郁闷中的日子

我有多希望我是个能干的人。我知道你现在正在为了你的事业而忙着，你求才若渴，我想帮你可是我却无能为力。我恨自己的无能，也恨自己的自卑心太重。我知道自己的学习能力有限，也不能同时吸收太多的资讯。我总是觉得我一直在追着你的步伐，可是我一直在掉拍子。我很怕有一天我会跟不上你的脚步而离开你，真的很怕这情况会发生。

要怎么才能够帮得上忙的呢？我也只能不闹别扭，乖乖的呆在家或者做平时该做的事。在我的手头上我还有很多工作未完成，我很不愿意去地做，即使明天要交功课了，我还是不愿意做。到底我想要逃避到什么时候啊？

日子还是得过的，总不能每天都愁眉苦脸的阿，到时候他也会被我给气到跑掉了。每天早上起身，我都会对着镜子说：“我刚睡醒的样子真恐怖阿。。。又要开始新的一天了，忙忙碌碌的过了这一天，晚上早点回家休息吧。” 从厕所出来，换掉睡衣，就出门了，有很多时候我还是会问问自己：“我到底是为了什么而忙呢？” 可我很喜欢这样的生活，因为我把一天的行程排得满满的，让自己忙着，就不会有空闲的时间去胡思乱想。说到底，这一切都是我涌来逃避现实的借口而已。

cloudy night

there are many incidents happened at the beginning of the year. until now, i really cannot digest them all. everything seems to be arranged and it comes accordingly. maybe God wants to test me at the moment. i don't know and i am totally lost. where should i go? what should i do? i keep thinking the same question again and again and yet, i cannot figure it out. what am i doing now is to keep myself busy so that i dont have time to think about it. all i want to do for this year is to graduate at the end of the year, get myself a job and forget the past. i know this takes time and i know what is going on around me, just that i refuse to face the reality. pain will never leave once it is there, i know i should stop the pain but how? keep on thinking nonsense wouldn't help but i really don't know what else can i do.