看不见的自己

曾经有个人告诉过我， 我这个人没有生存目标，而事实是如此。从来我做事情就是凭着家人的嘱咐去做而已，唯一一次的能够凭着自己的能力和意愿而达成的目标是在九年前。那时候我刚刚进华乐团，我就是被我的师姐给吸引住。我也要谢谢她，因为就是她，而设定了我第一个想要的目标。五年之后，我凭着自己的能力而达成了目标。过程虽然辛苦，但是那时候的我是最开心，最难忘的日子。

现在的我呢？生活没有目标，读书是为了什么？这问题是在前些日子有个人这么问我的，可是我不会回答。而我的同事却帮我回答了。读书是因为我的家人要我读，而我则什么也学不到，这个就叫死读书，读死书，根本就没有用的。那我不如不读好了？我只是想这样糊里糊涂的活下去。我知道这听起来很荒谬，但是这就是我的想法，我想要的日子。轻轻松松的过日子，有什么不好？为什么要置身于充满心计的丑陋世界，每个人都争个你死我活就只为了生存？

我总有个感觉，在自己看不到的地方，总会有个连自己也看不到的另外一个自己。要怎样才能够看到那个自己呢？到底自己有些什么能力？我想要做的事情，就是被收进这个世外桃源，而我也不想再踏进那个世界。就让梦想在那里，好好的生存着，起码我还留着生存的意志。

A Quiet Person's Inner Part

You always wondering why am I being so quiet all the time. You know why, just that you don't want to answer. Topics you talked about, I can't join into the conversation, neither picture it out nor understand it. I was trained to talk whenever it is necessary since when I was a kid. Another reason for me to remain silence is I cant control my mouth. I will just talk without having a second thought. I think it is always the best for me to remain silence. I always wanted to talk, but, I know I will hurt someone else when I open my mouth and talk. It is always the best to keep everything within myself rather than shout it out onto other's faces.

家人，是什么？

家人，对你来说，定义是什么？
家人，对我来说，又有什么意思？
你常常说我不会明白家人的意思
纵使我了解家的意思和重要性，
那又怎样呢？
是的！我是永远都不会明白
因为，从小我就当作我不属于这个家
从小，我就被当成一个小大人
我常常以成熟的性格来保护自己
妈妈以前怎样对我，
家人以前怎样对我，你知道吗？
我告诉你了，你会听吗？你会了解吗？
你永远都不会了解小时候的我
就像我永远都不会了解家人的意思


你在家里是唯一的独生子，也是老幺
你从小就受尽千宠百爱，你哪里会明白我？
而我呢？
从小，我要什么，
我就要凭着自己的本事就拿
有时候甚至会被所谓的大人们欺骗
小时候就常常被他们骗了
是他们让我不再相信家人
凭什么我要相信他们？


从小，我就被妈妈当作是一个负担
妈妈从小就只是让我知道
他们辛苦，就是为了喂饱我们，
让我们读书，补习，这就是尽责的妈妈
除此之外，就再也不想听我说话
所以我才会对家人静静的，不说话
因为我从小就是这么长大的
我一开口说话，就是个错
常常只会骂我，叫我住口
我只是想把我 每天在学校发生的事告诉妈妈
却无端端换来一顿臭骂
我的心，能够不受伤吗？我能够做什么啊？


我知道我读书不厉害，也不是什么天才
可我还知道什么叫自尊和廉耻
妈常常当着我的面和别的邻居说
说我是个养不驯的野孩子，说我只会浪费饭钱
整天只会往奶奶和姑姑身边跑
你说，那时候的我才七、八岁，
我能听懂妈妈说的每一字，每一句
我很心痛
我能怎样阿？只能在半夜，把脸盖在枕头下
偷偷哭泣，再问问自己，是不是自己投错胎？
试想想，一个八岁小孩在想这些问题
我的思想还不算成熟吗？ 
这个家，还算是我的家吗？
这个妈妈，还算是我的妈妈吗？


一个早就没有家的心灵，哪来的家人？
一个没有家的心灵，该回去哪个家？
我注定是要一个人生存的
没有家的浪人，注定要走遍天涯海角
只为寻找真正属于自己的家
而我，就是那个浪人。

感情稳定了，就再也看不到你

这夜里，不知是不是天气太热的问题，
还是我不习惯回到家里，我无法入睡。
心理很不平衡，
身体很累了，却不想睡觉。
心里面在想念着一个人
而脑袋也没有一刻停止思想
无时无刻都在思考着
你在干嘛，有没有想我，我什么时候能够回去
这种种的问题。。。很恼人。。


最近的你好吗？我可不好
感觉上我好像被你打入了冷宫
你只顾玩你的电脑，而我呢
则坐在一个角落，默默地望着你的背影
傻傻的在期望着你会回头看我，
走过来，把我 拥在你的怀抱里
请问， 你有多长时间没有那么对我了？
难道，感情久了，稳定了，就没有温情了吗？


我已经开始把你当作我的家人来对待了
我已经变得不爱说话，只喜欢静静的呆在一边
什么都不想说，因为你不会听
什么都不理，因为你不会在意
整天都没有笑容，因为你不再为我而活
这些已经显示着，我，
开始对你麻木了，因为期望太多，失望也越多
一旦对你的泪开始不流了，突然间对你麻木了，
就不再爱说话，不再爱玩闹
因为我没有玩闹的对象


从此我不会再相信男人的信誓旦旦的承诺
承诺里夹着期望，也携带着失望
一旦没有遵守承诺，失望会占据整个脆弱的心
那我就会变得更强悍，变得更加懂得伪装自己
来掩盖已经破碎不堪的心灵
我，还能凭着什么留在你的身边？

Dear My Precious Sister

Today, I accidentally read my sister's blog. Everytime I read her blog, it makes me feel I have abandoned her for such a long time and I don't even care much about her life nowadays. Am I a failure sister? I do love her so much, and yet, I don't have much time for her too. Now, what I am doing is only for myself and my future, but not for her. I seldom think of my family it is a fact and this can't be changed in a sudden. It doesn't mean that I don't love my family, it is just so hard for me to voice it out. I spend all my time in work and study and relationship, just to make sure I don't have time to think so much. Just like my sister said, she can't be noticed by other people around her previously, and because of me, she only get other people's notice. She works so hard just to get people's attention to her, she just wants to prove that she can gain all the attention by herself and not because of me. Now, she has proved that she did it and I am so proud of her. The moment I read her blog, I can see myself inside her. I don't know what can I do for her now, I only can say, wish her good luck and work hard for her secondary school life, and don't be a failure sister like me.

I feel so tired and catch a flu today. I wish i could finish work earlier and go back take some rest. Things will never go through the way you want them to be in. Darling, I really have no idea about what had happened on you. There is only one thing that you have showed me, you are angry. I just wanna know what happened, why you refused to let me know? Do you still remember what you have promised me on the day you came back from Singapore? You promised that you will tell me anything, whether you are sad, happy or angry, and yet, you just shut up and bang the door rather than sharing your trouble with me. Am I that useless for you to talk with? Maybe I am, at least you shot me for a reason instead of shot me blind and let me dead for nothing. I just wanna know what is wrong with you because I care about you, because i love you. I wanna protect you from anything that could harm you. 

You broke my heart rather than sharing your anger with me. You will never know when my tears dropped, you will never know when my heart broke, you will never know how much harm you have caused to me. Sometimes I will think of leaving you for a short period, so that I would know how important am I to you. But, I cant do that. "I cant leave you. Without you in my life, it is empty again." Do you still remember these sentence? Every time I feel upset or lonely, I will read this. You will never know how much support that it brought to me when I am alone and desperate for support. 

The most important thing in my life is I need to feel safe all the time and I need to be protected all the time. Did you ever notice these? I really upset when you don't wanna talk to me or when you get angry, because these are the moments where you will ignore me as I am an annoying bug to you. My tears will only drop for you, please appreciate every drop of tears from me. There is not much tears left in my eyes. Tears will dry out someday. I think that is the day where we shall say good bye to each other. I don't want to see that happened in our relationship. 

时间流逝

今天是你不在的第一个星期，我已经累倒了。虽然很累，但是还不想睡觉，看来我真的想把我自己给累坏了，再等你回来疼我。忙着做工的我，常常忘记时间的存在。忘记睡觉的时间，忘记想你的时间，忘记留时间给自己。今天，我又一天一夜没有睡觉了，等下还要急需做工。开始觉得累了，厌倦了，想休息了。