Dear My Precious Sister

Today, I accidentally read my sister's blog. Everytime I read her blog, it makes me feel I have abandoned her for such a long time and I don't even care much about her life nowadays. Am I a failure sister? I do love her so much, and yet, I don't have much time for her too. Now, what I am doing is only for myself and my future, but not for her. I seldom think of my family it is a fact and this can't be changed in a sudden. It doesn't mean that I don't love my family, it is just so hard for me to voice it out. I spend all my time in work and study and relationship, just to make sure I don't have time to think so much. Just like my sister said, she can't be noticed by other people around her previously, and because of me, she only get other people's notice. She works so hard just to get people's attention to her, she just wants to prove that she can gain all the attention by herself and not because of me. Now, she has proved that she did it and I am so proud of her. The moment I read her blog, I can see myself inside her. I don't know what can I do for her now, I only can say, wish her good luck and work hard for her secondary school life, and don't be a failure sister like me.

I feel so tired and catch a flu today. I wish i could finish work earlier and go back take some rest. Things will never go through the way you want them to be in. Darling, I really have no idea about what had happened on you. There is only one thing that you have showed me, you are angry. I just wanna know what happened, why you refused to let me know? Do you still remember what you have promised me on the day you came back from Singapore? You promised that you will tell me anything, whether you are sad, happy or angry, and yet, you just shut up and bang the door rather than sharing your trouble with me. Am I that useless for you to talk with? Maybe I am, at least you shot me for a reason instead of shot me blind and let me dead for nothing. I just wanna know what is wrong with you because I care about you, because i love you. I wanna protect you from anything that could harm you. 

You broke my heart rather than sharing your anger with me. You will never know when my tears dropped, you will never know when my heart broke, you will never know how much harm you have caused to me. Sometimes I will think of leaving you for a short period, so that I would know how important am I to you. But, I cant do that. "I cant leave you. Without you in my life, it is empty again." Do you still remember these sentence? Every time I feel upset or lonely, I will read this. You will never know how much support that it brought to me when I am alone and desperate for support. 

The most important thing in my life is I need to feel safe all the time and I need to be protected all the time. Did you ever notice these? I really upset when you don't wanna talk to me or when you get angry, because these are the moments where you will ignore me as I am an annoying bug to you. My tears will only drop for you, please appreciate every drop of tears from me. There is not much tears left in my eyes. Tears will dry out someday. I think that is the day where we shall say good bye to each other. I don't want to see that happened in our relationship. 

时间流逝

今天是你不在的第一个星期，我已经累倒了。虽然很累，但是还不想睡觉，看来我真的想把我自己给累坏了，再等你回来疼我。忙着做工的我，常常忘记时间的存在。忘记睡觉的时间，忘记想你的时间，忘记留时间给自己。今天，我又一天一夜没有睡觉了，等下还要急需做工。开始觉得累了，厌倦了，想休息了。

三个星期

三个星期，对你来说，代表了什么？

三个星期，对我来说，代表了什么？

三个星期，你会觉得，那只不过是时间

对我来说，它，代表着寂寞。

在这三个星期里，我除了做工和玩，就是在想你。

无时无刻都在想你，这感觉，很辛苦。

到底我是累了？还是没有勇气继续与寂寞纠缠？

Third Day Without you

I go back home today. I like to see my family but not placing myself in their shoes. I can't stay in the house that is full of noise and people as I will feel packed and headache.Maybe I get used to a quiet room without any disturbance and under air-conditioned. Nothing feels better than staying at such a quiet and comfort room like this.

Darling always mention the importance of family in our life, it seems I haven't understand the message inside it. I still the same girl that you know, never appreciate family's role in my life. Until now, I still don't like my family and I don't wanna stay at this home for more than 24 hours. To you, I may be a cruel family member. You might ask, how could you treat your family like this? My answer is: You might have understand my role as the eldest in the family, but you will never understand my growing way. I have been brought up like this, so this is what am I today.

This is the third day without darling staying around with me, this feels abit tough for me to continue living. No matter what it takes, life still goes on and I must live in an interesting way so that I can wait for him to come back to me. Love you darling. good night everyone.

Second Day Without you

Tonight, is another lonely night perhaps. Without you, without hug, without your snooring, what I have now is my tears and a heart that is missing you all the time.I just think that at this moment, I suppose to go to bed and sleep and yet, I cant sleep. Maybe I have been too dependable on you. Although I can go on my life without you, that is not enough for me to carry on a meaningful life. Working is the only way to forget my love to you. I just focus on work and I cant even smile. My smile shown is just an expression and not from the bottom of my heart. I have no feeling when I smile. Smile is just a tool for me to express my respect to customers and friends and to undercover myself.

The End of 2nd Sem 2010 - First day Without you

Finally, it has reached the end of the 2nd sem in 2010. I am wondering how is my result for this semester. I know I didn't do well in this semester as I only pay attention to other activities rather than studying. The day has come, whereby the most important person in my life will leave me for around 20 days, I just wondering how am I gonna pass these days without him.

After the final exam, I just focus on working  and take care of my beloved puppy, Sora. She is a normal dog and yet, she is super naughty and a nature destroyer which cause a lot of troubles to me. I can't say anything because she is my beloved puppy after all. I think this is the difference between this sem break and the previous sem break.

There is another question that I won't like to think or face, that is my darling will leave me for 3 weeks because he wants to go back to his home. Here comes the questions. First, what am I suppose to do in these 3 weeks? Go work. come back and clean the dog cage, watch drama for awhile and sleep. Wake up the next morning and go work and repeat the same routine again and again until my darling come back to me. Secondly, am I stupid to think all the nonsense stuff? Just like tonight, my housemate and best friend talk the mysterious stuff to me since they knew I will sleep alone starting from tonight. Oh my god...how am I gonna sleep like this? I scare of loneliness, darkness and all those mysterious stuff. I can't sleep for the first night without you, how about the rest of the nights? I don't know and I don't care, just sleep then...I guess.

The next thing is I will wait for you to come back, either day by day or week by week, just want to let you know I still in a good life. Maybe this sounds silly, and yet, this is me. May our love long last forever. Love you darling.