Days without you (Part 1)

Day 1
Today is the first day without you. I do everything by myself, do everything for my family, take care of my family, help my family. All I can do for you is to send short message to you and wait for your call at night. I never wait for my bf's call at night for long time. This is the first night we on the phone, keep on telling each other how much we miss each other, but not much topics. I even fall asleep when you are telling your story.

Day 2
Second day without you, I start to miss you badly. I never miss someone like you before. I have a nice moment with my cousins. I play candle with them and they are so happy with the lighted tree I made for them. I do the same thing, I waited for your call the whole day. Finally, you have called me. This time, we have a better chat. I enjoy the moment with you.

Day 3
This day, I miss you even more. On the other hand, I have a happy moment with my baby cousin. Although he is quite naughty, but I happy to take care of him. I feel tired taking care of him but it is worth to see his smile, a smile from an angel. As usual, I am waiting for your call. And, you call, and this time, I have become the most happiest girl in the world. We plan our future together, solve each other's problem, cheer for each other.

Day 4
I go back kampar today to settle my pets. I send them to pet shop at the cost of RM6 per day. I plan to collect them 2 weeks later. Then, I manage to get a job from Khakabo. At least, I have an income and saving for my next sem and I don't have to ask money from my family. As usual, I am waiting for your call, but this time, I phone to you. This time, you make me heart broken for not being remember my birthday. To you, it is hard for you to remember a person's birthday, but at least, you have to remember mine's. Anyway, it is a past. At night, you just hang the phone and yet, you blame me for hanging your call. This even hurts me more. I have a sleepness night. This is the first sleepness night in this sem break.

Darling

Darling, I know you are lonely too. For once, you also live in your own world too. You need to be care of, you need attention from your beloved one, and yet, I can't do what you need and sometimes I even don't realize it. Please don't ever blame yourself again even though it is not your fault. All the problems come from me, I am the cause of all these. When I am with you, you just do your stuff and leave me there by myself, makes me feel lonely, so I rather hang out with sharon than stay at home. I have told you before, I don't like to stay in the house. why? So that I will not think too much. I have chose to forget everything happen in my life because to me, there is too many burdens and I want to throw them away, I don't want to remember everything. What I want is the same as what you want, someone that loves us, only us. But, why I will feel lonely even though when I was being with you? I don't know. I try to care you more but it makes me feel I am fake. Everything I just let it be. To you, I not mature enough. To me, I don't want to think stuff in a mature way. You can say that I am childish, but to me, it is the best way to relax myself. As you said, I haven't see the world, all I went through is just looking at the surface and think as it should be like that.

Unmemorable week

This week is my exam week, whereby it is a week that I don't wanna go through again. I have a sleepness week and many things happened on me and I can't take it over on my shoulder. Final exam will comes to its end this saturday and I will go back to my home. Hopefully I can enjoy my sleeping moment at home.

Why I say this is a unmemorable week for me? Because I am truely lost myself in my life journey. Or, I shall say, I have locked myself in my world. In fact, I have locked myself for 1 year. Since past 3 months, there is someone that is trying to open my world and let me out of there but he failed. And yet, he keeps on trying, hope that I will open my world to him one day.

Darling, I feel so sorry for what I have said and what I have done on you that makes your heart broken. I really didn't mean to hurt you, maybe you are right, to me, friends are more important than you, but what I want to say is you are important to me, too. I know, it is my fault to tose you aside when friends call me, but do you know why? I am lonely.

Suffer Night

Tonight, is my 2nd sleepness night in the week. Why? I not sure and I don't know the reason. After I heard what Daniel said, I totally felt the pain from the bottom of my heart. Finally I know why he always want me to stay with him all the time and cares him more than anyone else, and yet, I knew I can't do all this. I feel shame of myself for not being a nice girlfriend and play my role as a girl. Here is the story...

Its a story between Daniel and his ex-girlfriend, Paula. 2 years ago, they were couple. At that time, Daniel didn't really appreciate what she did for him. Paula is a very nice girl friend. She will fetch him after class and accompany him for the rest of the day. Everyday, she wakes up early to cook breakfast for him. What she did is just for him. What a nice girl.........

Unfortunately, they always quarrel with each other because of the difference value between themselves. Due to this, Daniel has asked to break the relationship. So, this relationship has came to its end after 2 years. Since that, Paula has a hard moment because she can't take the reality that he has asked to break relationship with her. Poor Paula...

When daniel thinks back, he starts to regret with his stupid decision. He loves her so much, but he has to put her down because of this stupid, fucking reason. Until now. he still can't face Paula. He wants to apologize to her but he doesn't dare to do so. He so desperate to say sorry to her.

Hopefully Daniel will make his decision whether he wants to go kl, have a visit to her and say:"I'm sorry." At least this will makes him feel better than never. Daniel, no matter what is your decision, I just wanna let u know that I want u to be happy for who you are, be cheerish all the time, be proud of who you are being, be brave to face any difficulties. I know you will not let me down, right? Love you forever.

Suffer From Sleepness Night

tonight, i am having a sleepness night.....again....y? i oso duno.

yesterday i started sit for my 1st exam paper for this sem, is my favourite subject actually, but i din put much afford on it, so it seemed i ll get a bad result this sem. i guess i may have to repeat it on next year, i hope not.

at night time, i can't slept, so i read messages on the phone. i realized i have alot of misunderstood of my bf. he is just need to be cared of, but i can't even care him for real, as in a bf way. in fact, i treat my best friend better than bf. now i know what he wants, he just wants to spend more time with me, wants more care from me, wants my full attention, and yet, i dun even know about all these stuffs. mayb this is what should a gf does, and it shows i not a good gf. all this years, i have been alone, and now, when i found someone i loved, i just want to be cared of, and yet, i duno how to care about him. mayb the way that i show my care to him is not clear for him, or i reali duno how to show and tell him that i do care him more than anyone. my bad, i think.

sometimes, i ask myself, y i always think of these stupid and negative stuffs? it is meaningness. is it because i am a girl, so i will think of these without my notice? God knows.

Sleepness night

Here we go again.....I have a sleepness night, again, this is the second time in the week, What the hell is going on with me??? Damn tired now, but I still managed to post 2 blogs here, sucks...I hv drank some alcohol, I should be in my dreamland now, why am I still sitting in front of my laptop? No mood to do anything, no mood to say anything, just wanna get something to do and sleep for the rest of the day. I still need go for drum practice this evening, dont know whether my body can take it over or not. There is 4 days more before the performance, I started feel nervous since last week. I keep on thinking how should we perform the drum so that it will be the best performance of the day. There is another thing playing in my mind, what kind of hair style should I take? I am planning to have a hair cutting later but I can't figure out what hair style that suits me the best. Oh well...I guess I have to refer to my hair stylist later, haha...
Good night and sweet dreams ^.^

Answers for the questions

Last week, i went through a tough time wif my relationship. It seems like there is problems occured but I just can't figured it out, at the end, i ended up so stupid. What am I to you? Who are you to me? Is this important? Why you feel you're not my boyfriend? Is friend more important than you do? There is so many questions to answer and yet, I am helpness when I am facing these stupid questions.To me,these questions are dump ass...to you, they might be important.

First of all, You, Daniel, is my beloved one. I am sure you know it but you just can't feel it just because of my personality. I have done many things just to make you happy. I cooked for you just to see your happy smile, in fact, it made me feel happy and satisfy at the moment you finish the dishes. This is the first time I can feel the happiness from my cooking. You have proved that I can do it although I don't like to cook. This has showed how much do I care about you.

In my opinion, friends are more important than couple. You may wonder why is it so. I'll tell you what. I gain safety and self-satisfaction by caring my best friend and people around me. I lack of protection since I was a child. Whenever there is something bad happened, friends always the one that help me solve them. You may feel the way I treat friends is much more better than the way I treat you, I just can say:" Im SORRY my dear..."

Last Saturday night, we went to your best friend's party. When I saw the Poodle, I wanna play with it and yet, you have stopped me from continue playing with it just because it is dirty!!! You made me feel I am a little girl in the party and not your girl friend. You also knew that I can't mix well with other girls and yet, you still wanted me to join their conversation. I will look so stupid if I listen to you and join into their conversation. Can't you feel it? I wanna play ping pong with those guys, but I knew you might not happy with it so I didn't even dare to ask. I have to control myself for not being so rude in the party and even in front of you.

I have a bad conversation with my parents and other family members. I know they just care about me but I feel like I wanna run away from them. I hate family, especially when they concern about moral value and a lot of stuffs that they even can't realize it in life. For what they tell me all the bull shit since they can't even practice it? They always say that they love me, but is it love when a mother's duty is to cook and do all the housework for us and didn't even care about what plays in our mind? This has made up me of nowadays. I rather remain silence than voice out eveything. because everything I said never being bother by anyone in the family. What I think about family is its just a hotel for me to rest and get prepare for tomorrow. I dont even feel family's warm from my parent. This is why I rather be alone than couple. When I am alone, no one will betray me, no one will ignore me, no one will gonna hurt me either. It feels sucks when you have been hurted since you were young. This is why I am here by myself.........