Rainy Night

In this night, I think part of the Earth is having tragedy now. There was a 8.9 earthquake happened in Sumatra, Indonesia, and part of Malaysian was able to feel the shake. There is a warning from the relevant government that there might be a tsunami happened around 9pm, Georgetown and Port Dickson are two of the hit points. Is anything going to be fine? At that moment, I bet everyone was wondering, is it the starting of the end of the world? Is it coming? Nobody knows it.

It is another lonely night for me that cant sleep. It is nothing big deal of, but, I just cant sleep. My body is tired, even my soul is tired, I just cant sleep well at night. I rather open my eyes at the middle of the night and starring at the laptop, do nothing in front of it. Guess I am just an empty shell without a heart. I don't dare to sleep, because I will be having night mares ever since I close my eyes and keep awaken by it. Maybe I am just being too tired, maybe I will be fine after a good rest, but most importantly, I need my darling by my side. I guess I really become more and more dependent on him in daily lives.

The weather seems to know my mood very well. When I am feeling lonely or upset, it will cry on behalf of me. Whenever I step out from indoor, sure it will rain. Now, it is 1.53am and yet, it still rains heavily. Pity Mickey that cant go out and do her business. XD

其实我不快乐

在这两年半里，我的确改变了不少。
我渐渐地找回失去的自己，但是也渐渐的失去你
现在的我应该要成熟的面对问题，可是我做不到
我到现在还是个女孩，永远都长不大的女孩。
我很想好好的做一件事情，可是做不到
我很想证明给全部人看我能够做到
可是却没有人看到
想要好好地陪你，我也做不到
我真的很没有用
能够做的我会尽力去做
你想要的， 我会给你
可是我想要的，却没有人可以给
我只能借着舞台的力量来感觉自己的存在
现在连站在舞台的能力也没有了
我真的很没有用
开心与不开心，又有谁知道

End of Y2S2

After last final exam paper of the sem, I suppose to feel happy and set me free from stress and in fact, I am having a lot of stress, either from workplace, family or relationship. I hope this is just only part of my imagination or even it is just a dream that will never come true.

As for workplace, I start to feel tired and yet, I don't have choice but to work. Sometimes, I will think, I am just 21 years old and I still too young to work so hard right now. I suppose to enjoy my uni life just like other girls do. But, if I don't work, I will not be able to pay for rental and utility fee. I do believe that no one shall like to work for more than 10 hours per day. Thus, the consequence for working too hard is the beloved one blame that I always don't have time for him and just work and work and work. I want to tell him that I want to stay with him every second but I just can't.

I always hope for his understanding on this issue but it seems not. I don't know how long this relationship can be carried forward... If I never take a look at his message box, I wouldn't know that there was just a girl in the study group and not with a guy like what he told me... does he lie to me? Am I being too busy for him? Or he has just found a better one? I don't know, and I don't wish to know.
I just think too over...

I never feel safe until I met him. I thought he could be the one that can protect me from any harms. Please don't prove me wrong and tell me it is just a dream. I start to give up myself, no more good characteristics, only bad tisseus in my tired body. I start to fill my body with alcohol, fill my soul with cigaratte. I know, I am useless, it is normal if someone has gave up hope on me. No one shall see my effort to become good, they only seen the bad side of me, they never trust I have improved myself. All I want is your compliment on my effort.

I guess I have done emo-ing here. It is time for me to go to bed. Hopefully I could have wake up as a new person the next morning and try my best to make myself into a better person. I shall not give up myself. Because if I do, nobody will ever see the bright side of me.

爱。。。唉。。。

在和你在一起的日子里
我始终无法自拔
我对你是认真的
可是，
事实却让我不敢相信眼前的你
你，是我的
但，我不敢肯定，
也不否定你在我生活里的地位

我该认真地考虑把你忘掉
可是，我做不到

迷茫中

心，又在动荡不止了
你的出现让我无法静止
在不适当的时间出现
更让我心神不宁
在茫茫人海里忙无边际的走着
茫茫然的，不确定自己在哪里
不知道自己要什么，就这样
迷失了自己
无时无刻都感到迷茫

和我在一起的人，往往被我伤害得最深
我很想保护你，很想把你抱进我的世界里
在你的世界里，永远都保留着一片禁地
一片连你自己都不敢踏进的世界
即使我知道那是你的禁地
我还是很想要踏进去
可是我知道，只要我踏进去了
我就不能离开，而你也会受伤
我带给你的，只是一道永不磨灭的伤

很抱歉，我踏出了不该有的第一步
我很努力的控制自己不要再去了
可是，我知道我是做不到
到此为止吧，算了吧，忘了吧
我还是转身离开吧
离开你，是我唯一能做的事
逃避你，是我唯一的选择
再也没有勇气接近你了
我想，是时候放手了
你，永远都不会属于我的。

看不见的自己

曾经有个人告诉过我， 我这个人没有生存目标，而事实是如此。从来我做事情就是凭着家人的嘱咐去做而已，唯一一次的能够凭着自己的能力和意愿而达成的目标是在九年前。那时候我刚刚进华乐团，我就是被我的师姐给吸引住。我也要谢谢她，因为就是她，而设定了我第一个想要的目标。五年之后，我凭着自己的能力而达成了目标。过程虽然辛苦，但是那时候的我是最开心，最难忘的日子。

现在的我呢？生活没有目标，读书是为了什么？这问题是在前些日子有个人这么问我的，可是我不会回答。而我的同事却帮我回答了。读书是因为我的家人要我读，而我则什么也学不到，这个就叫死读书，读死书，根本就没有用的。那我不如不读好了？我只是想这样糊里糊涂的活下去。我知道这听起来很荒谬，但是这就是我的想法，我想要的日子。轻轻松松的过日子，有什么不好？为什么要置身于充满心计的丑陋世界，每个人都争个你死我活就只为了生存？

我总有个感觉，在自己看不到的地方，总会有个连自己也看不到的另外一个自己。要怎样才能够看到那个自己呢？到底自己有些什么能力？我想要做的事情，就是被收进这个世外桃源，而我也不想再踏进那个世界。就让梦想在那里，好好的生存着，起码我还留着生存的意志。

A Quiet Person's Inner Part

You always wondering why am I being so quiet all the time. You know why, just that you don't want to answer. Topics you talked about, I can't join into the conversation, neither picture it out nor understand it. I was trained to talk whenever it is necessary since when I was a kid. Another reason for me to remain silence is I cant control my mouth. I will just talk without having a second thought. I think it is always the best for me to remain silence. I always wanted to talk, but, I know I will hurt someone else when I open my mouth and talk. It is always the best to keep everything within myself rather than shout it out onto other's faces.