When I am 26

Before 26, I always see myself as an ordinary girl with a stable relationship and building my career path to a higher level. When 26, my life does happen as I have always wanted, except the luck who seems to have forgotten about me.

Year 2016 is not really a good year for most of us due to many reasons, such as company bankruptcy, politics, and bad economy. So do I. Everything I have planned, never worked out. Everything I wish to achieve, I screwed up. I always put my very best in doing them, but luck does not see it and disappointment welcomes me. Someone says i am very selfish and it always about me, me, me and it is very silly to say things do not go as I planned. Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, I am upset. Yes, I always express my stupid feelings at you although I know you do not like it. This is because I made a promise with you that I will no longer keep my feelings from you. I share every tiny details of my daily moments with you in order to keep us connected. But you started to keep your feelings from me again, just like when we first met.

I am not a talented person, nor a clever one and thus, I always work hard to earn what I deserve. I do not ask for something that is impossible as there is no free lunch in the world and I have to work hard to earn it.. As such, I have to work hard to make things happen. But somehow, things seldom go by my way and it is pretty upset. Bit by bit, I got depressed and I rather give up in doing my best for everything.

For example, when I discover my partner is bothering by work and he refuses to talk to me, it rather upset as he does not share his feeling to me anymore. Perhaps he feels it's his burden to bear and not mine. I have made a promise to be his ears and will be there for him when he needs me. But, he chooses to stay away from me instead when he needs me the most. Why he can't realize and admit that it is alright for him to share his feeling with me and cry his heart out? I totally not ok if he chooses to bury everything deep in his heart. Whenever this happens, he and I get frustrated, say things that we are not meant to and quarrel with each other. (This will make him piss and speak out everything and I really sorry for it.) So yeah, we usually end up not talking to each other for the rest of the night. However, I will make the first move to talk to him thereafter. This is because I appreciate what he is doing and hope he will get stronger thereafter. But it seems like I always make things worse.

A message for my beloved one:-

"Darling, I do not know whether you will be reading this message or not, but still, this is for you and future me. I know I get jealous and feeling insecure easily and I may not be able to get as gentle or ladylike as you wanted me to be, but I will always give you the best of me, love you with all I got, protect you from any possible harms, and pamper you at all times. I know I have been doing lots of stupid things when I am with you, but my intention is to protect, not to harm. If you think the way I love you is to much for you to bear, please let me know and I will make things right for both of us. I don't care if you are the most boring person in the world, or you are the most talented person I have ever fall in love with, you will always be my loved one and I am always here for you whenever you need me. When you feel tired and exhausted, I wish I am strong enough to hold you while you walk towards me, hug me, and say:"I am home." and I shall comfort you with the warmest hug. In fact, I am too weak to even hold you tight and wipe the bitter tears of yours. I wish I am stronger and able to protect you but I failed. Please forgive the foolishness of mine and I need you to stay with me, grow strong with me and most importantly, grow old with me."

展开人生新的乐章

终于熬过了大学的日子。当中有苦，有乐，有多少辛酸自己知，有多少委屈自己懂。在大学生涯里，曾经遇见过无数的人与事，有的让我伤心难过，有的让我欢喜，也有的协助我的成长。感谢那些曾经伤害过我的人，是你教会我凡事要尽量的沉住气，伤心过了还是要坚强的站起来面对每一天。感谢在我失意期间一直不断鼓励和陪伴我的人，也特别要感谢在我失意时遇见了你，我的面包，是你让我改变，变成现在的我。如果当初没有你的存在，我想今天的我将会是落魄的过街老鼠，永远都抬不起头来见人。感谢那些曾经帮助我的人。虽然你们只是我在大学生涯的过路人，但是，因为有你们的帮忙，我才能熬过那段艰苦的日子。不管我遇到什么苦难，你们都会想办法帮助我，陪我度过难关。至今，我们都已各奔东西，各有各的生活，在此希望大家能够过得安好，平平安安，幸福快乐。

人，一旦长大了，就会开始怀念以前的日子。像现在一样，虽然刚离开大学的生活两个星期，我已经开始怀念与朋友们疯狂的大学的日子。偶尔会想象大家可爱逗趣的摸样，一起辛苦练习及筹备演奏会，一起筹备event, campaign,和做功课，赶报告，一起吃饭喝茶谈天说地，互相诉说心事等等。当我回顾大学的日子时，我会大声的说：“我的大学生涯没有白过，因为我学会了付出、珍惜、坚强以及爱护身边的人。”

大学毕业了，该是时候要像个大人的摸样生活了。我是这样告诉自己的。在这两个星期里我不断地在应征工作，只希望找到三餐能够温饱肚子的工作，要求不高。你可以说我没有理想，没有想要建立自己的事业线，可能我连自己要如何选择我自己的事业线也不知道。我会告诉你，我有我自己的理想，就是想要成为世界顶级的打击乐手，可是理想终究是理想，不能填饱肚子。现在我只是想努力赚钱给妹妹念大学，过后才打算自己的生活。

是时候要好好加油工作了。不要想太多，一切顺其自然吧。

2014-Horse Year, Bad Beginning of the year

2014, supposed to be a new year with new hopes, new wishes, new environment and everything starts new. It is a year where all the challenges come and I shall learn on how to face them.
January 2014, I start my internship at a hotel. This is my first time working in a hotel and I am totally new to the hotel. I enter without any relevant study background, learn everything as fast as I could. Luckily, I managed to pick up everything within a month. Colleagues and manager are nice, being friendly, always share their previous working experiences with me and teach me patiently. I know I am not a fast learner and I try my best to pick up everything being taught to me. I feel so glad that I have a bunch of friendly and helpful colleagues.

This is also the time when it tests on my relationship. We never been seperated for so long and it is hard for us to meet up with each other since he is working at Singapore right now. I always feel lonely even though I am staying with family. Maybe you will say that I should be glad that I still have family by my side, but still, I don't like staying with family. 我已经习惯了自己在外面生活，突然间搬回家里感觉很奇怪。在家里，有很多东西和地方好像变得很陌生了，感觉上这不是我的家了。

I believe that I have did my best during my internship period. But, somehow, I still got complaint from hotel guest. I really do not remember what did I say on that day. What I can recall is I did not say any rude or unprofessional words or sentences to guest. But if I really did say it, I apologized and signed on the counselling letter already. It depends on the management's decision whether I can stay until my internship ends or they will terminate my internship. Hope fully they will allow me to continue my internship at the hotel until my intern ends. 难听的说一句，你不想看到我，同样的我也不想要看到你。在我面前说一套，在我背后却做另外一套。是谁答应我说那不会影响到我的实习，我才会签下那张白痴的信？是谁信口旦旦的告诉我你相信我，你会没事的，我才会天真的相信你这个无耻之徒？

What will happen if I failed my internship now? Graduation will be delayed, my study report will get bad comment, have to repeat internship and waste another RM1.5k and 3 months time. I not that stupid until I will ruin my own internship. Why all the evidences pointed at me? That makes me sound like I am lying to the whole world and nobody trusted me.  All I requested is your trust, and yet, you chose to lie to me and betray my trust.If death can clean the charges on me, I will jump down from the 20th floor of the building without a doubt and I shall curse you and hunt you down to hell with me and suffer the way I do.

学不会珍惜

曾经，有个傻瓜喜欢着笨蛋
傻瓜为了博得他的注意力费了好多功夫
终于，傻瓜的努力有了成果
两个人在一起过着很开心的日子

曾经， 为了很多芝麻绿豆的事而吵架
曾经，为了自己的面子而与对方争执不下
曾经，为了他而改变自己
曾经，为了陪他而不顾自己的作息
曾经，为了自己的面子而失去了他
曾经的付出，在此时此刻
已经不能发挥作用了

有很多时候，彼此都自以为很了解对方
口口声声说所做的事情都是为了对方
总是以为对方肯定会了解自己的心意
然而，事情并不像想象中般的发展
误会不断的在彼此之间冒出个头
彼此却错失了为自己辩解的机会
从而让关系变得如此脆弱

误会是如此的强大
它能够摧毁一段美好的感情
它能够摧毁好好的一个人
从而让他从此不再振作

此景不在，事过变迁，
人士亦非，回头太难
过去的，再也不能扭转乾坤
现在的，再也不能续前缘
唯有痛恨自己永远学不会珍惜

郁闷中的日子

我有多希望我是个能干的人。我知道你现在正在为了你的事业而忙着，你求才若渴，我想帮你可是我却无能为力。我恨自己的无能，也恨自己的自卑心太重。我知道自己的学习能力有限，也不能同时吸收太多的资讯。我总是觉得我一直在追着你的步伐，可是我一直在掉拍子。我很怕有一天我会跟不上你的脚步而离开你，真的很怕这情况会发生。

要怎么才能够帮得上忙的呢？我也只能不闹别扭，乖乖的呆在家或者做平时该做的事。在我的手头上我还有很多工作未完成，我很不愿意去地做，即使明天要交功课了，我还是不愿意做。到底我想要逃避到什么时候啊？

日子还是得过的，总不能每天都愁眉苦脸的阿，到时候他也会被我给气到跑掉了。每天早上起身，我都会对着镜子说：“我刚睡醒的样子真恐怖阿。。。又要开始新的一天了，忙忙碌碌的过了这一天，晚上早点回家休息吧。” 从厕所出来，换掉睡衣，就出门了，有很多时候我还是会问问自己：“我到底是为了什么而忙呢？” 可我很喜欢这样的生活，因为我把一天的行程排得满满的，让自己忙着，就不会有空闲的时间去胡思乱想。说到底，这一切都是我涌来逃避现实的借口而已。

cloudy night

there are many incidents happened at the beginning of the year. until now, i really cannot digest them all. everything seems to be arranged and it comes accordingly. maybe God wants to test me at the moment. i don't know and i am totally lost. where should i go? what should i do? i keep thinking the same question again and again and yet, i cannot figure it out. what am i doing now is to keep myself busy so that i dont have time to think about it. all i want to do for this year is to graduate at the end of the year, get myself a job and forget the past. i know this takes time and i know what is going on around me, just that i refuse to face the reality. pain will never leave once it is there, i know i should stop the pain but how? keep on thinking nonsense wouldn't help but i really don't know what else can i do.

玩电玩的生活

上个学期还过得蛮好的，轻轻松松，读书的时候读书，做工的时候做工，感觉还不错。

这个学期开始把时间排的满满的，读书、做工和玩电玩。说实在的，自己还不是很习惯这崭新的生活，总是觉得时间不够花。是自己的能力不足呢，还是爱面子而逞强？玩电玩嘛。。。对它一窍不通。不管我多努力的去练习，总是觉得自己做得不够好，还会拖累别人。很多时候我都会在想：不如退出吧？我一直不断的在强逼着自己去玩，是为了什么？这无形中带给自己很大的压力，也不知道要如何去面对自己，一心只想逃避这压力。

新的学期，有着很多功课要赶，有太多的事情要处理，可惜我什么也很难办成。如果说我是要证明我的存在价值而把全部的责任往肩上杠，你说得没错。我所做的一切，就是要证明我也可以和你一样有本事。人不是万能的，可我就是要当个万能的人。这个嘛。。。发白热梦就好了，别放在心上吧。也只能这样说服自己熬过这关吧。。。