心灵鸡汤

End of Y2S2

2011-09-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

After last final exam paper of the sem, I suppose to feel happy and set me free from stress and in fact, I am having a lot of stress, either from workplace, family or relationship. I hope this is just only part of my imagination or even it is just a dream that will never come true.

As for workplace, I start to feel tired and yet, I don't have choice but to work. Sometimes, I will think, I am just 21 years old and I still too young to work so hard right now. I suppose to enjoy my uni life just like other girls do. But, if I don't work, I will not be able to pay for rental and utility fee. I do believe that no one shall like to work for more than 10 hours per day. Thus, the consequence for working too hard is the beloved one blame that I always don't have time for him and just work and work and work. I want to tell him that I want to stay with him every second but I just can't.

I always hope for his understanding on this issue but it seems not. I don't know how long this relationship can be carried forward... If I never take a look at his message box, I wouldn't know that there was just a girl in the study group and not with a guy like what he told me... does he lie to me? Am I being too busy for him? Or he has just found a better one? I don't know, and I don't wish to know.
I just think too over...

I never feel safe until I met him. I thought he could be the one that can protect me from any harms. Please don't prove me wrong and tell me it is just a dream. I start to give up myself, no more good characteristics, only bad tisseus in my tired body. I start to fill my body with alcohol, fill my soul with cigaratte. I know, I am useless, it is normal if someone has gave up hope on me. No one shall see my effort to become good, they only seen the bad side of me, they never trust I have improved myself. All I want is your compliment on my effort.

I guess I have done emo-ing here. It is time for me to go to bed. Hopefully I could have wake up as a new person the next morning and try my best to make myself into a better person. I shall not give up myself. Because if I do, nobody will ever see the bright side of me.

爱。。。唉。。。

2011-09-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

在和你在一起的日子里
我始终无法自拔
我对你是认真的
可是，
事实却让我不敢相信眼前的你
你，是我的
但，我不敢肯定，
也不否定你在我生活里的地位

我该认真地考虑把你忘掉
可是，我做不到

迷茫中

2011-07-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

心，又在动荡不止了
你的出现让我无法静止
在不适当的时间出现
更让我心神不宁
在茫茫人海里忙无边际的走着
茫茫然的，不确定自己在哪里
不知道自己要什么，就这样
迷失了自己
无时无刻都感到迷茫

和我在一起的人，往往被我伤害得最深
我很想保护你，很想把你抱进我的世界里
在你的世界里，永远都保留着一片禁地
一片连你自己都不敢踏进的世界
即使我知道那是你的禁地
我还是很想要踏进去
可是我知道，只要我踏进去了
我就不能离开，而你也会受伤
我带给你的，只是一道永不磨灭的伤

很抱歉，我踏出了不该有的第一步
我很努力的控制自己不要再去了
可是，我知道我是做不到
到此为止吧，算了吧，忘了吧
我还是转身离开吧
离开你，是我唯一能做的事
逃避你，是我唯一的选择
再也没有勇气接近你了
我想，是时候放手了
你，永远都不会属于我的。

看不见的自己

2011-06-18T05:02:00.000-07:00

曾经有个人告诉过我，我这个人没有生存目标，而事实是如此。从来我做事情就是凭着家人的嘱咐去做而已，唯一一次的能够凭着自己的能力和意愿而达成的目标是在九年前。那时候我刚刚进华乐团，我就是被我的师姐给吸引住。我也要谢谢她，因为就是她，而设定了我第一个想要的目标。五年之后，我凭着自己的能力而达成了目标。过程虽然辛苦，但是那时候的我是最开心，最难忘的日子。

现在的我呢？生活没有目标，读书是为了什么？这问题是在前些日子有个人这么问我的，可是我不会回答。而我的同事却帮我回答了。读书是因为我的家人要我读，而我则什么也学不到，这个就叫死读书，读死书，根本就没有用的。那我不如不读好了？我只是想这样糊里糊涂的活下去。我知道这听起来很荒谬，但是这就是我的想法，我想要的日子。轻轻松松的过日子，有什么不好？为什么要置身于充满心计的丑陋世界，每个人都争个你死我活就只为了生存？

我总有个感觉，在自己看不到的地方，总会有个连自己也看不到的另外一个自己。要怎样才能够看到那个自己呢？到底自己有些什么能力？我想要做的事情，就是被收进这个世外桃源，而我也不想再踏进那个世界。就让梦想在那里，好好的生存着，起码我还留着生存的意志。

A Quiet Person's Inner Part

2011-06-03T05:26:00.000-07:00

You always wondering why am I being so quiet all the time. You know why, just that you don't want to answer. Topics you talked about, I can't join into the conversation, neither picture it out nor understand it. I was trained to talk whenever it is necessary since when I was a kid. Another reason for me to remain silence is I cant control my mouth. I will just talk without having a second thought. I think it is always the best for me to remain silence. I always wanted to talk, but, I know I will hurt someone else when I open my mouth and talk. It is always the best to keep everything within myself rather than shout it out onto other's faces.

家人，是什么？

2011-05-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

家人，对你来说，定义是什么？
家人，对我来说，又有什么意思？
你常常说我不会明白家人的意思
纵使我了解家的意思和重要性，
那又怎样呢？
是的！我是永远都不会明白
因为，从小我就当作我不属于这个家
从小，我就被当成一个小大人
我常常以成熟的性格来保护自己
妈妈以前怎样对我，
家人以前怎样对我，你知道吗？
我告诉你了，你会听吗？你会了解吗？
你永远都不会了解小时候的我
就像我永远都不会了解家人的意思

你在家里是唯一的独生子，也是老幺
你从小就受尽千宠百爱，你哪里会明白我？
而我呢？
从小，我要什么，
我就要凭着自己的本事就拿
有时候甚至会被所谓的大人们欺骗
小时候就常常被他们骗了
是他们让我不再相信家人
凭什么我要相信他们？

从小，我就被妈妈当作是一个负担
妈妈从小就只是让我知道
他们辛苦，就是为了喂饱我们，
让我们读书，补习，这就是尽责的妈妈
除此之外，就再也不想听我说话
所以我才会对家人静静的，不说话
因为我从小就是这么长大的
我一开口说话，就是个错
常常只会骂我，叫我住口
我只是想把我每天在学校发生的事告诉妈妈
却无端端换来一顿臭骂
我的心，能够不受伤吗？我能够做什么啊？

我知道我读书不厉害，也不是什么天才
可我还知道什么叫自尊和廉耻
妈常常当着我的面和别的邻居说
说我是个养不驯的野孩子，说我只会浪费饭钱
整天只会往奶奶和姑姑身边跑
你说，那时候的我才七、八岁，
我能听懂妈妈说的每一字，每一句
我很心痛
我能怎样阿？只能在半夜，把脸盖在枕头下
偷偷哭泣，再问问自己，是不是自己投错胎？
试想想，一个八岁小孩在想这些问题
我的思想还不算成熟吗？
这个家，还算是我的家吗？
这个妈妈，还算是我的妈妈吗？

一个早就没有家的心灵，哪来的家人？
一个没有家的心灵，该回去哪个家？
我注定是要一个人生存的
没有家的浪人，注定要走遍天涯海角
只为寻找真正属于自己的家
而我，就是那个浪人。

感情稳定了，就再也看不到你

2011-05-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

这夜里，不知是不是天气太热的问题，
还是我不习惯回到家里，我无法入睡。
心理很不平衡，
身体很累了，却不想睡觉。
心里面在想念着一个人
而脑袋也没有一刻停止思想
无时无刻都在思考着
你在干嘛，有没有想我，我什么时候能够回去
这种种的问题。。。很恼人。。

最近的你好吗？我可不好
感觉上我好像被你打入了冷宫
你只顾玩你的电脑，而我呢
则坐在一个角落，默默地望着你的背影
傻傻的在期望着你会回头看我，
走过来，把我拥在你的怀抱里
请问，你有多长时间没有那么对我了？
难道，感情久了，稳定了，就没有温情了吗？

我已经开始把你当作我的家人来对待了
我已经变得不爱说话，只喜欢静静的呆在一边
什么都不想说，因为你不会听
什么都不理，因为你不会在意
整天都没有笑容，因为你不再为我而活
这些已经显示着，我，
开始对你麻木了，因为期望太多，失望也越多
一旦对你的泪开始不流了，突然间对你麻木了，
就不再爱说话，不再爱玩闹
因为我没有玩闹的对象

从此我不会再相信男人的信誓旦旦的承诺
承诺里夹着期望，也携带着失望
一旦没有遵守承诺，失望会占据整个脆弱的心
那我就会变得更强悍，变得更加懂得伪装自己
来掩盖已经破碎不堪的心灵
我，还能凭着什么留在你的身边？

Dear My Precious Sister

2010-11-19T21:23:00.000-08:00

Today, I accidentally read my sister's blog. Everytime I read her blog, it makes me feel I have abandoned her for such a long time and I don't even care much about her life nowadays. Am I a failure sister? I do love her so much, and yet, I don't have much time for her too. Now, what I am doing is only for myself and my future, but not for her. I seldom think of my family it is a fact and this can't be changed in a sudden. It doesn't mean that I don't love my family, it is just so hard for me to voice it out. I spend all my time in work and study and relationship, just to make sure I don't have time to think so much. Just like my sister said, she can't be noticed by other people around her previously, and because of me, she only get other people's notice. She works so hard just to get people's attention to her, she just wants to prove that she can gain all the attention by herself and not because of me. Now, she has proved that she did it and I am so proud of her. The moment I read her blog, I can see myself inside her. I don't know what can I do for her now, I only can say, wish her good luck and work hard for her secondary school life, and don't be a failure sister like me.

2010-11-09T11:04:00.000-08:00

I feel so tired and catch a flu today. I wish i could finish work earlier and go back take some rest. Things will never go through the way you want them to be in. Darling, I really have no idea about what had happened on you. There is only one thing that you have showed me, you are angry. I just wanna know what happened, why you refused to let me know? Do you still remember what you have promised me on the day you came back from Singapore? You promised that you will tell me anything, whether you are sad, happy or angry, and yet, you just shut up and bang the door rather than sharing your trouble with me. Am I that useless for you to talk with? Maybe I am, at least you shot me for a reason instead of shot me blind and let me dead for nothing. I just wanna know what is wrong with you because I care about you, because i love you. I wanna protect you from anything that could harm you.

You broke my heart rather than sharing your anger with me. You will never know when my tears dropped, you will never know when my heart broke, you will never know how much harm you have caused to me. Sometimes I will think of leaving you for a short period, so that I would know how important am I to you. But, I cant do that. "I cant leave you. Without you in my life, it is empty again." Do you still remember these sentence? Every time I feel upset or lonely, I will read this. You will never know how much support that it brought to me when I am alone and desperate for support.

The most important thing in my life is I need to feel safe all the time and I need to be protected all the time. Did you ever notice these? I really upset when you don't wanna talk to me or when you get angry, because these are the moments where you will ignore me as I am an annoying bug to you. My tears will only drop for you, please appreciate every drop of tears from me. There is not much tears left in my eyes. Tears will dry out someday. I think that is the day where we shall say good bye to each other. I don't want to see that happened in our relationship.

时间流逝

2010-10-06T21:56:00.000-07:00

今天是你不在的第一个星期，我已经累倒了。虽然很累，但是还不想睡觉，看来我真的想把我自己给累坏了，再等你回来疼我。忙着做工的我，常常忘记时间的存在。忘记睡觉的时间，忘记想你的时间，忘记留时间给自己。今天，我又一天一夜没有睡觉了，等下还要急需做工。开始觉得累了，厌倦了，想休息了。

三个星期

2010-10-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

三个星期，对你来说，代表了什么？

三个星期，对我来说，代表了什么？

三个星期，你会觉得，那只不过是时间

对我来说，它，代表着寂寞。

在这三个星期里，我除了做工和玩，就是在想你。

无时无刻都在想你，这感觉，很辛苦。

到底我是累了？还是没有勇气继续与寂寞纠缠？

Third Day Without you

2010-10-03T07:47:00.000-07:00

I go back home today. I like to see my family but not placing myself in their shoes. I can't stay in the house that is full of noise and people as I will feel packed and headache.Maybe I get used to a quiet room without any disturbance and under air-conditioned. Nothing feels better than staying at such a quiet and comfort room like this.

Darling always mention the importance of family in our life, it seems I haven't understand the message inside it. I still the same girl that you know, never appreciate family's role in my life. Until now, I still don't like my family and I don't wanna stay at this home for more than 24 hours. To you, I may be a cruel family member. You might ask, how could you treat your family like this? My answer is: You might have understand my role as the eldest in the family, but you will never understand my growing way. I have been brought up like this, so this is what am I today.

This is the third day without darling staying around with me, this feels abit tough for me to continue living. No matter what it takes, life still goes on and I must live in an interesting way so that I can wait for him to come back to me. Love you darling. good night everyone.

Second Day Without you

2010-10-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight, is another lonely night perhaps. Without you, without hug, without your snooring, what I have now is my tears and a heart that is missing you all the time.I just think that at this moment, I suppose to go to bed and sleep and yet, I cant sleep. Maybe I have been too dependable on you. Although I can go on my life without you, that is not enough for me to carry on a meaningful life. Working is the only way to forget my love to you. I just focus on work and I cant even smile. My smile shown is just an expression and not from the bottom of my heart. I have no feeling when I smile. Smile is just a tool for me to express my respect to customers and friends and to undercover myself.

The End of 2nd Sem 2010 - First day Without you

2010-10-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

Finally, it has reached the end of the 2nd sem in 2010. I am wondering how is my result for this semester. I know I didn't do well in this semester as I only pay attention to other activities rather than studying. The day has come, whereby the most important person in my life will leave me for around 20 days, I just wondering how am I gonna pass these days without him.

After the final exam, I just focus on working and take care of my beloved puppy, Sora. She is a normal dog and yet, she is super naughty and a nature destroyer which cause a lot of troubles to me. I can't say anything because she is my beloved puppy after all. I think this is the difference between this sem break and the previous sem break.

There is another question that I won't like to think or face, that is my darling will leave me for 3 weeks because he wants to go back to his home. Here comes the questions. First, what am I suppose to do in these 3 weeks? Go work. come back and clean the dog cage, watch drama for awhile and sleep. Wake up the next morning and go work and repeat the same routine again and again until my darling come back to me. Secondly, am I stupid to think all the nonsense stuff? Just like tonight, my housemate and best friend talk the mysterious stuff to me since they knew I will sleep alone starting from tonight. Oh my god...how am I gonna sleep like this? I scare of loneliness, darkness and all those mysterious stuff. I can't sleep for the first night without you, how about the rest of the nights? I don't know and I don't care, just sleep then...I guess.

The next thing is I will wait for you to come back, either day by day or week by week, just want to let you know I still in a good life. Maybe this sounds silly, and yet, this is me. May our love long last forever. Love you darling.

Exhausted

2010-09-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

Recently, I don't really have much time to rest or sleep. i only focus on work and press conference. Once again, I ignore my personally life, especially to my beloved one. Sometimes, I wish I could have more time for me in a day so that I can do anything I want and it is always enough time for me to rest, work and play. To you, I may be silly. Why I always like to make my life so hard? I work because I don't want to depend on my family in finance. I study because I don't want them to disappoint on me. Most of the time, I feel like I want to run away from my life and be another person in certain sense. There is many pressure come from nowhere that keep on telling me what am I suppose to do and what not to do. Study, work and family, makes me tired and exhausted.

There are many times where I wanted to help in assignments but somehow, I never feel like I am part of it. Maybe it is my problem for being stranger in the community, it is partially my fault for excluding myself to mix with the community. Is it because of my looking? Why my look always be the resistance for me to mix around? I admit that I look ego, in fact, it is not my fault to have such a face.

After working and studying for few weeks, I totally exhausted. What I need now is to have good rest after the mob press conference and get myself out of work, I want to go travel.

你知道吗？我的泪

2010-08-04T03:26:00.000-07:00

当我孤独的时候，你知道吗?

当我被你忽略了，你知道吗?

当我需要被关心，你知道吗?

当我需要你的爱，你知道吗?

你都不知道，因为你不曾在乎

我所需要的，对我来说，有多重要

你常以自我为中心，而我则在你旁边轴自转

我已经转得天翻地覆，却得不到你的倾睬

转得累了，心疲力尽，无法再绕着你转了

天地已经到了尽头，我也随之消失于黑洞里

我消失的那一刻，你可曾发现？我的泪

What Is Leader?

2010-07-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

At this stage, I do believe everyone is the leader of himself or herself, and yet, at the same time, they are also a leader of others, either in their study, working or family life. Everyone has the ability to be a leader, but how to become an effective and efficient leader?

From what I have studied in Team Building before, leader is the person which has the social ability to influence others to follow his foot step or order to do or act under his command. according to Alan Keith, leadership is the ultimate way to create a new path for people to contribute in certain things in order to make extraordinary stuff or miracle to happen. It also means the leader has the responsibility in organizing people to work together and how to achieve the goal together, too. At the same time, a leader knows how to take care of his team mates and not just only take them as tools to achieve the company's goal or the leader's goal.

Take me as an example, I ain't a good leader because I don't have the ability to do so. This has been proved since I had the first and second meeting with my teammates. What I did was trying to force them to focus on our issue and not used my heart to hear what they wanted to say. I understand that everyone is being nervous towards his or hers assignments, so do I. I was just trying to make our job easier and in fact, it has proved me wrong. A good leader will listen to his team's mind and not just focus on tasks and goals. I admit I ain't a good leader. So, I decided to be the leader of myself only. I believe I will be a successful leader of the society in some day in future.

Here, I want to say "Thank you" to my friends who tell me what am I facing from my teammates because you have given me a clear looking on my own and the team itself. Now, I know what they want and I will step back from the front line. Let the new leader to give the order. I can understand it if there is someone might say I am a coward because I don't dare to take the challenge. What can I say here is, My friend, this ain't about am I a coward or not, it is about how I respect myself as a leader of the team and myself.

大海

2010-07-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

曾经何时
我听过这首歌

大海杨培安

从那遥远海边
慢慢消失的你
本来模糊的脸
竟然渐渐清晰
想要说些什么
又不知从何说起
只有把它放在心里

茫然走在海边
看那潮来潮去
徒劳无功想把
每朵浪花记清
想要说声爱你
却被吹散在风里
猛然回头你在哪里

如果大海能够
唤回曾经的爱
就让我用一生等待
如果深情往事
你已不再留恋
就让它随风飘远

如果大海能够
带走我的哀愁
就像带走一条河流
所有受过的伤
所有流过的泪
我的爱
已全部带走

在这首歌里，表达了对爱情的绝望。在对某段的爱情感到绝望和气馁，大海起了很好的作用来把所有的悲伤带入海的怀抱。作者引用了大海作为爱情的结束，就像大海把全部的河流牵引至它的怀抱。大海本一望无际，绝望由此而生，也在此结束。用此来结束某段爱情，再贴切不过。

Time Flys

2010-06-17T01:48:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile for not being here. Recently I am busy with my first chinese orchestra concert in UTAR and new subjects that I am taking now. There is many things to learn and so much to do at a time, I feel very stressful and exhausted. To me, all this efford will bring me the achievement in future, all I need now is my intention to work on them and be patient. I do believe hard work will bring me good achievement.

Time flys without my notification. This is the eleventh month since we get together. There are many things happened within this period, all the happiness, sadness and misunderstandings have brought us into another level of the relationship. All these have made us grew up and stabalize our relationship. The more time we spend time together, the more my love to you darling.

Usually, we seldom tell each other how much is our love, maybe this is the only reason why we seldom talk to each other. I prefer to be your listener, one and the only one. I like to hear your voice, this is why I remain silence all the time. I know you want me to talk with you, but I really can't talk much when I am with you. I know I have very little time for you everyday because I have to spend a lot of time for other stuffs, and I am so sorry about this darling. This is also another reason why I like to listen to you rather than talking with you.

Here is the end for this blog, I jz want to tell everyone here that read my blog how much is my love to you. Love you always darling.

Starting 2nd sem of Year one in PR course

2010-06-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

After study at UTAR for two and a half years, finally i managed to score above 3.0 in cgpa. Now, I have started my second semester in PR course, hopefully I manage to maintain such a good result. In this sem, I need to prepare for chinese orchestra concert. For your information, this is the first time for the UTAR chinese orchestra unit to organize a concert and it has been long time for me to perform in a concert. During sem break, I attended everyday's practice from 9am til 4pm, just to practice and prepare ourselves for the concert. This is not as same as the previous concerts that I attended in secondary school, so I need to be prepared and do my best for the concert.

Tell you guys something. I am learning how to play "World of Warcraft" (WOW) from my bf and housemates. My bf has suit my character with the best gear and equipments and yet, I am still a newbie to this game, thus, I need a lot of training to catch up with them. It is a tough task for me as a noob gamer and for someone that don't know about WOW. Today is my second day for playing WOW and also the first time to play with my bf and housemates. I feel like I am a burden for them because I barely catch up with their steps and it is quite tough for me to play with such a good character. Oh well...everything has its starting point to start with, right?

On the other hand, because of WOW, I start losing self confidence because I really stress out. I play WOW because of my bf. I just want to get into his world and be with him all the time, but I knew it will never happened. Sometimes, I might think of boycourt WOW and stop my bf from playing it. I never stop him from doing anything that he likes, as long as he has time for me, but not like I am staying in the room with him and do nothing. This makes me feel boring and don't know what to do and start thinking nonsense. Maybe I am thinking and talking nonsense again....I had what girls wanted all the time, what else that I am asking for? There should be nothing...

心痛

2010-05-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

你能够对我坦白，我很开心。到头来你的坦白却换来我们之间的吵架和愤怒，我知道是我小气，我没有肚量去接受这事实。那是因为我只在乎你一个，你是属于我的，我不希望有人把你抢走。你可能有听过“有一种爱叫做放手”，如果真的有一天，这天真的到来，我不知道我会不会把我的手放开。你曾经放开我的手，我很庆幸那时的我没有选择放开。今天，面对同样的情况，我还是不会放手的。虽然我的心好痛，我很不喜欢有别的女生接近你，因为我不想失去你。你是我的全部，因为你，我学会把我爱的人放在第一位。我真的很感谢你对我的坦白，只是我无法承受这犹如一把刀往我心里刺的心痛。你的一举一动，都能够影响我的心情，甚至是一生的幸福。从你的身上，我学会了把自己稳定下来，尽量不要再放纵自己。只有你，才会让我改变得如此之快，也如此温驯。我只会为你而改，我只会为你而活，我只会为你而爱。

FIrst Sem Break For 2010

2010-05-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

Finally it has come to the end of the first semester, this is the moment that every student is waiting for. Usually what will a student do in holiday? Work as part timer? Stay at home? Go for vacation? This is life, lets make it more interesting! I don't know how you guys spend your holiday, I'll just tell you mine. To me, it is my life and I'm happy with it.

As usual, I work at DDS, which is one of the cyber cafe in Kampar. In fact, I am a runner for both DDS and Khakabo.Working is tiring me, but I am happy to work with them because I get to know more people and I even meet my friends that have not been seeing for a period. Another reason why I work at cyber cafe is because the working time is more flexible and I can make time adjustment between my study and working time. Although the wage is not high, it is just enough for my rental.

At the last week of the sem break, I will be even busy and tired. Why? Because I need to attend chinese orchestra camp from 25-29th May, from 9am til 4pm, then I need to work from 4pm til 12am. You may think I am crazy and I admit it, this is the only way for me not to think too much when I am alone. I hate to be home alone.

You may ask, how about my home? I can say, I don't want to go back, it is like jail, that's why I don't like to go home. Why would I say home is like a jail? This is because mum seldom let me go out and I only do nothing at home but online until I wanna vomit. Another thing is they seldom talk to me nicely. I have to make it clear that all my family members are grumpy person, including me, sometimes they make me feel like I live in jail because of their way of speaking and grumpy personality. I just wanna run away from it. Family is important, but I am sorry that I not that kind of person which can stay at home for 24 hours everyday. I need my life and freedom. They never understand how I feel, or maybe not, god knows.

At last, I will go for vacation to Cameron Highland next week. MUAHAHAHAHA. This is the first time I am going vacation with my bf and classmates since I study at UTAR 2 years ago. I still planning where to go and what to do. There is many things to do and yet, so little time for me to do all of them, I just can say, have fun then. Life is short and lets us appreciate what we have at the moment. Enjoy your time and HAPPY HOLIDAY MY FRIENDS! =P

世界上最爱你的人，也是世界上最伤心的人

2010-05-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

我知道你能够看得懂我接下来要写的文章，我不敢奢望在你看了这文章后会有回头的一刻，我只希望你能够清楚知道我在想什么，我想要的是什么。

可能你和我都不曾想过咱们会走在一起，究竟是什么让我们走在一起？相信你我心中都没有答案，但是我们都相信彼此心中的感觉。彼此都是爱着对方的，所以才会想让彼此存在于各自的世界里，因为只有让对方活在自己的世界里，才能用自己的全部来保护对方，不让他受伤。当自己爱上一个人时，心里只想着要如何让他时刻都开心，而不会让他伤心。人非神圣，总会有犯错的时候，也会有情绪的。当你犯了错，我只会心痛，我不会骂你，不管是什么错，我都会原谅你，包容你所做的一切，甚至把全部不开心的事全忘掉。可能有的人会说我这么做是在逃避，我只能告诉全部人，我这么做是让我们的生活更轻松，不会有任何的负担，生活才会更好过，不是吗？

爱一个人，并不需要他的甜言蜜语，也不需要任何付出的证明书，只要心里是爱着彼此的，就已经足够了。既然我已经打开心房的门让你进去成为其中的一分子，就表示我已经全面接受你所有的弱点和优点。你不会说的甜言蜜语，我帮你说。你想要做的事，我会想办法去完成。这就是我爱你的方式。我和你一样，都是不善于表达的人，我只能通过行动来表示。很傻是吗？你也是如此的，不是吗？

不知不觉，我们在一起快要一年了。此时此刻你说你不曾告诉我你有多爱我，但是我都能知道你的爱有多深。时间长了，相处的日子长了，彼此都了解对方的性格与脾气，很多时候都会变得沉默寡言，彼此都不会特地去表达心中所想。可是很多时候，误会，就是这样产生的。可能我是属于比较静的人，而你也不会特意的表达心中的想法，所以误会才会发生吧。

不管怎么说，我们都是受过伤的人，保护自己是本能反应。任何人都会想要被爱，任何人都会想要爱上其他人。刚开始我们都是战战兢兢的爱，到后来是放开怀抱来爱，这过程是需要时间的，慢慢来，好吗？你总是爱对我说些傻话，我也一笑置之。因为你的傻话，我知道你爱我。世界上最爱你的人，也是世界上最开心、最伤心的人，认同吗？

看了妹妹的部落格，才知道自己忽略了许多事

2010-05-03T06:36:00.000-07:00

看了妹妹的部落格，才知道自己忽略了许多事

自己曾经忽略了心爱的人的一举一动
就连自己曾经经历的一切都忘掉
我不是有意去把全部事情都忘掉
只是潜意识里帮我做了个决定
它，让我的生活更轻松

一生当中难免会有被我们遗忘的人或事
就在乎它会在什么时候被勾起
有开心的，也有悲伤的
不要被身边的事约束着
敢做敢当生活才会更精彩
被身边事物约束着的生活犹如被囚禁
每日规规矩矩的生活活在只属于自己的世界
这样的生活犹如行尸走肉不要也罢

身边被忽略的事
无非是曾经自己最在意的事

难忘的一幕

2010-04-10T02:18:00.000-07:00

在台上的我
有点傲慢

在台上的你
有点孩子气

在台下的我
漫无边际
流浪在人海中
眼睛始终离不开
在台上的你

在台下的你
犹如孩子般
玩得不亦乐乎
像个大孩子般
台上台下的你
不知是否也有留意到
站台下我的眼光

在台下的我
时刻都在留意着
你的一举一动
你的表情
无意中渐渐钩起以往的回忆
不知你是否也是有同感？

迷惑

2010-04-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

爱情，让人欢喜，让人忧愁。它所带来的，不仅是欢乐，还夹着悲伤。感情，涉及两个截然不同的世界。它拥有神奇的力量，能够让两个人互相分享他们的世界，同时也能够摧毁两个人的世界。幸福，能够让一个人沉迷于它的甜蜜，令人难以自拔。就像染上毒瘾，一旦没有了幸福，那他就会像吸毒者那样痛不欲生。在这三者当中，共存在着一个共同点，就是要如何准确的衡量当中的成分，才能让自己不会深陷其中呢？相信在很多人的心中都没有办法衡量出来。

举个例子，我看着叔叔打行动不便的爷爷，只因为爷爷一直在拿二十年前他借钱给叔叔的事说个不停。当时的我心里真的很害怕，即使我有勇气能够当在爷爷面前不让叔叔继续打他，可是这事让我对这个家彻底的失望。当一个家庭里，姐妹吵架时，往往是水火不容的，可是过后就会和好如初。这是因为她们都知道，彼此就是这么存在着，就在这一辈子，彼此的身上都存有彼此的影子。她们会与彼此分享她们的世界，同时又不会伤害到彼此。可是为什么有些时候彼此之间又会吵得面红耳侧呢？当中的原因不过是为了钱财和感情的纠纷而无法作出妥协，进而摧毁整个家庭的和谐，这又何苦呢？

家庭的不和谐，会让下一代养成叛逆与负面的性格，例如脾气暴躁、出言顶撞父母和不想回家。家长只会怪孩子的不孝顺，可是他们有没有想过要和孩子好好沟通？在东方国家，很少家庭能够做到坦诚对白，因为他们从小就在孩子心中印下了父母威严的样子，令孩子不敢坦诚相对。要如何才能够解决这问题呢？这又是一个很深的学问，相信很少人能够领悟当中的无穷的学问吧。

当一个男生遇上一个让他倾心的女生时，他会想尽办法让她对他多看一眼。他也会想尽办法，让女士喜欢上他。如果那女生答应与他交往，这就是最朴素的爱情，也是最短暂的爱情，因为这时的他们正沉迷于感情的甜蜜，缺少成熟处理事情的脑袋，往往这时候的恋人都是意气用事的，进而做了让自己一辈子都后悔的事情。这又是为了什么呢？何苦让自己那么的狼狈？

当一个女生和一个成熟且懂得尊重女生的男生在一起，这会是很甜蜜且窝心的感情，同时也是最空虚的感情。通常这种男生的事业心很重，很多时候他的心思都会放在女生以外的事物上。虽然这男生很会讨女生的芳心，但是他有没有想过女生往往就只想要他一个人的全部的注意力？哪怕只是一个吻、一个简单的拥抱、一个笑容，都足以让她开心一整天。这点男生又知不知道呢？很多时候男生只会说他们无法理解女生的心里到底在想什么，那么他们又有没有尝试让女生进入他们的心里了解他们的想法呢？

沉默，往往是最好的武器。它可以让人与人之间产生纠纷，让情况一发不可收拾。沉默，往往被拿来作吵架时的武器，这让双方的局面变得僵硬，彼此都无法下阶。试问问什么要保持沉默？为了保全自己的利益？还是给彼此一个冷静的机会？我也不知道，因为我也是沉默的拥护者。可能这就是造成迷惑的诞生吧。

雨天

2010-03-30T03:10:00.000-07:00

雨
随着心情而下
仿佛在流着泪
向大地倾诉

泪
随着心情而下
仿佛在诉说着
无穷无尽的伤

雨水
能够自嫩大地
能够随意倾泻

泪水
能够舒缓情绪
能够刺激伤口

雨水与泪水
多少都有相同之处
只是所想的立场就不同

各有褒贬
各有利弊
视乎你要怎样去看待

爱情里的距离

2010-02-26T19:44:00.000-08:00

从来就只有恋上不回家的人
而没有恋上不爱自己的人
情侣之间不该存有的距离
在默默地浮现
似乎在暗示着我该小心了
危机已潜伏在我们俩当中
究竟这是一朝的促成？
还是考验我们的时候到了？
是我自己多心了？
还是事实便是如此？

彼此的心里还存有对方
只是彼此都无言以对
是面子的问题？
还是时间的问题？
繁忙的生活让我们疏远
彼此都渴望被关心
但有谁能够做到？

乱乱想的我

2010-01-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

好不容易熬到晚上了，心理总是惦记着我心爱的人，想在他的怀里撒娇。这看起来很容易的事，对我而言，有够遥远的。最近，在出门前，我都会突然想起他说过的话，他是多么希望我可以在出门前亲吻他一下。我看着他睡觉的样子，不知不觉就给他一个轻轻的吻，这下子我才发现，原来在出门前给自己心爱的人一个吻是一件多么幸福的事。原本以为今天我不用做工至深夜，我就有时间陪陪他，我比他早一步到家，突然间收到他的简讯，他说他会迟点回，要我先睡，我当下傻了一下，然后就感觉鼻子酸溜溜的。算了吧，反正这也不是第一次了。。。可能是这之前我曾经忽略他了吧。。。天晓得。

这整个星期我觉得自己当上了强人了，自信不知从何而来，我除了工作还是工作。在别人面前我是这么一个强人，但是我连在他面前也得装作强人了，理由无他，就是要让他放心。我可不想让他知道我也会有小气的时候。当然，有时我的小气也是有点无理的。突然之间脑袋闪过无数个想法，有合理的，也有莫名其妙的，有好的，也有坏的。在这个星期里我已经学会了不要依靠他的肩膀，我最好还是做回以前那个好胜、独立的我吧。

很快我的新学年要开始了。这年头我的遭遇还算挺波折重重的。刚开始时就是我不想呆在家，老是找借口落跑，过后呢就是我的成绩给了我一个很大的惊喜，害我每天都得被我的家人轮流打电话问长问短的，很烦叻。。。我曾经想过要做工了，不想读了，因为我知道自己不是读书的料，况且我根本就没心要读下去的。我选择继续深造都是我的家人逼我的。现在却被他们翻过来说着条路是我自己选的，不能怨谁。天啊！这可把我气坏了！也罢，反正我读书就是为了要他们一个交代而已，等我念完这三年，我一定会远走高飞，过我想要过的生活。从此以后就没有家人的束缚，没有家人的包袱，轻松自在的过活，那该多好。

睡到一半

2010-01-20T09:46:00.000-08:00

今天的我特别的累, 不是因为工作太累, 因为睡眠不足. 最近的天气是怎么了? 干吗热得像被火烤啊? 晚上根本就无法睡觉嘛. 本来呢我一冲完凉就往床上倒了, 谁知道我总是在半睡半醒, 无法入睡, 到现在都不能睡, 惨...

今天能陪我男朋友的时间又少了, 不懂他在干吗...在上课吗? 今天的我脾气特别暴躁, 我的同事又挨骂了, 真的对不起啦, 我无法控制自己. 原本以为放工过后就可以陪他了, 没料到坐在他身旁的人竟然不是我, 挺失望的. 我只能坐到他的身后, 惦记着他, 总是在想, 到底今天的我到底是怎么了? 好好的怎么就吃醋了?

电脑, 我不会怪你的出现, 但是我却无法改变我对你的敌意, 因为你总是把我最重要的人都要霸占. 我本以为回家后他就会好好的疼我, 关心我, 可以让我对他撒撒娇, 你为什么要出问题? 你为什么要让他担心你? 我不能吃醋, 因为你是电脑, 你是死的, 我是活的, 我们的地位不一样. 他对你是依赖, 他对我是爱. 他总是觉得我爱拿其他事物来比较, 而且全部的事物与人都对他有着不同的意思及感情, 我想我真的不能再酱下去, 不然我一定会疯掉.

无言时刻

2010-01-16T06:12:00.000-08:00

究竟读书是为了什么？书，真的能够当饭吃吗？

这个问题，我想每个人都有想过吧。有的人读书，说是为了求取知识；有的人读书，说是为了胡口饭吃；有的人读书，说是父母逼的。我是属于后者，我读书是奉父母之命而读的。

这期的考试成绩不理想，我不能继续升学，必须重新再选择新的科系来念。现在的我犹如迷途羔羊，我不想读书，但是不能不读，在众多的科系里徘徊，叫我从哪里开始选择？只要这次我做的决定是错的，那我就完了，我肯定会被家人教训一番。

你们有没有了解我的意念？你们有没有真正懂我在想什么？我知道我不能只怪你们的不了解，因为我也不了解你们。说是家人，不如说是同居的人。人就是这样，永远只会把自己认为对的事物与想法强加在他人身上，我何尝不是呢？俗语有一句话：要改变别人，先要改变自己。我要到什么时候才能改变现有的状况？

孩子与父母

2010-01-11T10:01:00.000-08:00

平白无辜就和老爸骂架,心里怪不好受的.俗语说:"天下父母心是一样的" 说的就是每个父母的心都是向着孩子的.但是作为孩子的父母,他们有没有尝试在站孩子的立场想想到底孩子的心是怎么想的,孩子想从父母那里得到什么呢? 我觉得应该有很少的父母能够做到这点吧,起码我的父母做不到.
父母总是觉得只要能够给到孩子最好的教育,那就是对他们作了最好的安排,孩子还不懂事,不知道什么对他好,什么对他不好.虽然说孩子会任性,但是他们也有他们的想法和感觉,深为父母的你们可不可以不要把自己的观点强加在孩子身上?你们这么做真的是为了他好吗?有问过孩子喜欢吗?唯一孩子能做的就是尽量讨好父母的欢心,这样他们才能在家待下去,在家才有立足的余地.其实在这事的背后,孩子的泪,你们有看到吗?
请偶尔回头看看孩子,他们只想得到你们的爱,你们的称赞,不要让他们的努力给浪费了好吗?请珍惜孩子为你们所做的一切好吗?哪怕只是一句谢谢也足够...

A Whole New Year

2010-01-07T15:22:00.000-08:00

2010 New Year, I spent this day at Kampar with my colleagues and friends, but still feel like something is missing. Kampar New town is full of people, waiting for the year 2010 to come. When I saw couples holding each other and wish each other Happy New Year, I feel so lonely.

The next week, I have spent a whole noon with my best friend. She has some relationship problem and I can't do anything but to tell her not to think so much. I feel myself is so much lucky because I got a bf that love me all the time, missing me at somewhere in the world. We live inside each other's heart, never leave each other alone in the world.

The 3rd week of the sem break, I come back kampar again. There will be a lion eyes dotting ceremony for utar wushu club at utar. This week I have to cycle to utar everyday. Although this is quite tired, but it is good for diet. Other than that, I also have to go back work because there is not enough staff for 2 cyber cafes and perhaps I am the only one that they can find here to do the work. To me, it is the best solution of thinking nonsense. Somehow, I have a sleepness night because I have some misunderstanding with my bf. Guess I have said the wrong thing that has hurt him so deep. No matter what, I can't force him to make a choice between family and lover, although I hope to be more selfish than him. Like he said, the love to family and lover are different. To me, love to their lover is suppose to be unique, everyone would like to be the number one and the only one in each other's heart. How could I jealous? Maybe I will never get a chance to be his number one until the day we get married, or seperate, who knows? What am I thinking now? I also don't know, may be this is what we called feeling unsecure when somebody is not around.

It seems like I catch a cold, my nose is blocked, start coughing, tired all the time. Still need to go kl with my aunt this saturday, don't know I can come back on time for the lion dance. I hate to be alone because I will think nonsense but somehow, I enjoy to be alone because I just do what I wanna do. I think thats the difference of staying at home and outside the home.

Sem Break -3

2009-12-30T10:04:00.000-08:00

You may ask, how am I gonna spend my holiday? Well, I have plenty of plans for this holiday. At the end of the year 2009, I have watched the movie "Avatar" for 3 times. Ya, this is me, a crazy girl that you would never know. I will go kampar sing k with my best friend. She has some problem in her relationship, so I think it is good to bring her out and relax her mind. By the way, I can show her my uni life at kampar. Then, I will go for a crazy trip to Penang Island and Langkawi for about 5 days. I haven't been to Langkawi before. I think this will be an exciting trip for me. Nothing much to say here actually, I just need someone to talk to in this mid night time. Now, I am sitting here alone in front of the laptop, writing this blog, treat it as my best friend and chatting with it. Finally I can understand how my bf's feel by chatting with the laptop and treat it as best friend in life. To me, this is so pathetic; to him, this is the only thing that give him support and bravery to continue with his life. The world that has been created in the laptop has make him feel secure, thats why he chosen the laptop as his most loyal friend in the world. Now, I also depend on laptop to get my time pass. Feeling lonely, upset, secure, this is what I feel at the moment. Deep in dark can cause alot of messy stuff to play in the mind and must learn a way to control it.

Unforgetable X'mas

2009-12-25T09:30:00.000-08:00

We wish you a meery christmas, we wish you a merry christmas, and a Happy new year.
Christmas, suppose to be a joyful day, like my darling said. To me, this is the perfect day in the end of the year because this year is my first x'mas celebration, and I spent the whole day with my dearest one. This is so perfect until I make a stupid call to my colleague. At first, I just wanna wish him a merry christmas, but I duno I can cause so much trouble to him. He seems he has some misunderstand with his wife and his wife phoned me to check who am I. I feel so surprise to get her call. I duno what does she want, I just can understand that I have caused myself into other's marriage crisis and yet, I am the cause of all these. A simple wish from a colleague can cause such a trouble on a married man, may I ask what is the meaning of getting marry with our beloved one? I learned one important lesson in this year X'mas. Never mess up with a married man or woman, you are putting yourself into a crisis.

Thought of the Day - 2

2009-12-16T11:09:00.000-08:00

I abit in bad mood today, maybe I didn't take enough sleep for last night. Not
much mood for the day, abit short tempered, and I get sad easily. Tonight
maybe another sleepness night for me again as I think of nonsence things,
again.

I not sure whether it is normal for a girl to jealous just because of tiny stuff in
the life, mostly it is relevant with couple. I am feeling not comfortable when
my darling sits in front of the pc and busy with all his stuff online. We have spent 8 hours at cc, after came back to hostel, he already sit in front of the pc as soon as he finished his shower. I know that pc is the best friend for him, but it can be the past of him, right? Start from the beginning, I knew I was not at the first rank in his heart, and I will never be anyway. For him, family is in the first rank, secondly is the pc, I usually is in the third rank. Shouldn't he cares more about me rather than sleeping time or dining time? Even sleeping i also get frustrated. I so desperate that I can sleep before him, sleep tight in his hug, but this will only occur in my dream, not just for now, but forever. I know I can't sleep before him because I wanna make sure that he is sleeping well, sleeps under safe situation, make sure he is not being interruptted. Everything I do is just for him. Nowadays, I not just live for myself, but I live for him. He is the one that brings me out of the dark world of my heart, saved me from my past. I don't even dare to ask any request from him because I know what I have now is more than enough. I do not mean to complain or blaming, I just wanna express what is in my mind now. I just need a path to let it out of my mind. I shouldn't jealous with a pc anyway, right? =p

Rock my holiday

2009-12-15T21:53:00.000-08:00

Today is my last exam paper and I think I have done it quite well. Hehe. After two nights suffered from running nose and study, I hope that I can score better this semester. Who knows what kind of result that I gonna get? Bad result? Or just pass? Oh well, I will be glad for what I get because I have tried my very best to do it.

So, what is my plan for this sem break? Eventually I don't know. I plan to work part time here but I not able to do so because my parent resists it. Most of the time I will be staying at home and be my dear cousin's baby sitter. During X'mas, my darling has asked me for a date. So sweet....can't wait for the day to come.=p

Talking about my relationship, I in a very good and sweet relationship. I have to admit that I really changed alot in this semester. Usually I ll go out rather than staying at home, attend friend's gathering, and I seldom cook. Now, I would cook for my darling, stay at home with him, pay all my attention on him, seldom think of nonsense things. I have get rid most of my bad habits,well, like I aways say, a small change from bad to the good is better than none. =p

Lastly, wish myself and everone, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010!

Anything after my new hair style

2009-12-08T06:51:00.000-08:00

There is someone told me that when you really love a person, you won't care how does he or she look like, what you like is her characteristics and the way he or she is. Unfortunately, this sentence seems do not make any sense on me. After I cut my hair short, everyone around me feels different when they look at me, same to my darling. I understand he likes my long hair, but since I came back to his side, everything changes. I don't even dare to ask for more of his attention, I just feel all alone by myself. I just dare to be next to him and sit there quietly, do my stuff quietly, actually I don't have much things to do. I know he dislikes my new hair style, I really don't mean to cut it that way. A change in hair style can bring me such a big difference in my life, I feel like I have go back to the olden days whereby I am alone in my own world. I know I shouldn't have such negative thinking all the time but I can't control my mind not to think of this bull shit. He wants a normal,quiet life, I don't know what's wrong with his life nowadays, all I know is he has his own thoughts and he won't let it down easily and listen to others. Thats the problem...I guess. This is his burden and he has to let it down so that he will not feel stress anymore.

Importance of Your smile

2009-12-03T10:20:00.001-08:00

I dun like to c ur face without any expression. I just wanna make you laugh and yet, I made you laugh non stop. After a moment, you cry by aside. I was thinking, what did I do? I tried so hard to make you laugh, but I failed. I heard the sound you hit the wall, it just like you r hitting my heart, my heart was pain once you hit the wall. I wonder why. What makes you feel so bad? You just keep on saying it is your fault. I wonder why. There is no reason for you to say so. Like you said before, I rather you tell me the truth than you injure yourself. There is no difference as you r hurting me with a knife. Your smile represents your mood, your joy makes my day.

Lonely nite

2009-11-27T14:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight the time passes slowly. I have vomitted two times. I vomit as I eat. Quite suffer. What's wrong with my stomach o? This is not the most suffer one, the most suffer stuff is I am having a sleepness night again. Haiz...I spend my time by watching drama through youtube. I wanna get someone to chat with me but everyone is sleeping. Why can't I just sleep o?

Today, I will go home for dinner with my darling. This is the first time I bring bf home for dinner. For your information, this home is my grandma's home, not my mother home. I like my grandma so much, more than anyone in the house. I don't know how am I gonna introduce my darling to them. I can't let them know he is my bf. Oh well...I guess my aunt knows it very well since she has invited us to go back for dinner, doesn't she? I wonder how they will act if I intro my darling to them...am I gonna get scold? Or they just act normal? I wanna intro my darling to them so much but I know I can't do that. If I do so, I can't stay at kampar and study. Sure I will have to stay at home and watch by my mum. Since I scare to be scolded, then why still I step my foot into the trap? I don't know, all I know is I love him and I wanna be with him, no matter what it costs, no matter how hard is it, I will just take it, just like how he loves me. He can sacrifice anything for me, why can't I? Both of us have paid for this relationship, aren't we?

First Date In Sem 3

2009-11-24T20:00:00.000-08:00

My chubby darling..
so innocent..^^

24/11/2009 I will remember this date, this day is the only day I saw your cheerful smile for this sem. Since the starting of this sem, you seldom smile because of your study and some relation problem. I have tried to be the most perfect gf in this date and I think I have succeed, right? From your smile, I knew how happy you are at that moment, this is what we call "xing fu" in mandarin. Same as you darling, I will do whatever I can to make you happy, although I won't love you in the way you expected. I believe everyone has his own way to show his love. I use the most simple way to show my love to you, make you smile. You may not know how powerful is your smile, I know. Your smile makes me happy for the whole day. I just wanna let you know, I love you as deep as you love me.

Movie "2012" is the best movie that I ever watched. It talks about how the world ends, how the world starts a new life, the importance of humanity and family support in a crisis. No wonder every show is full and we have to make booking very early but still we get the 2nd most front seats. I sat there for 2 and a half hour until my butt is ache, I can't even walk at first.oh well, as long as it worthy, right? =.=

Thoughts of the day - 1

2009-11-02T06:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, 3 utarians dead while playing at kampar waterfall. I knew one of them, James Khor. I feel sad. why? Because I have lost a friend? Not really. I am sad because I can't understand why God likes to give test to human. Is it because human is too weak? or He wanna know who is the best among human?

These days I have heavy headache, usually it occurs on the right side. It is so pain and yet, it disappears after few minutes, then it comes back again. Maybe it is because I don't have enough sleep, or I have been too tired, it is trying to tell me that I need a good rest now.

Tomorrow is my presentation, yet, I haven't finish my part of work. I really don't know what should I write, I have lost my mind, my confidence, my ideas. I really try my best to do it but I fail. All I do is trying to run away from all this. Maybe I just go and sleep. Everything will be just fine as I wake up.

Can I run forever? Someone asked me this question before. I knew I can't run, I have to face it no matter what. Family, work, study, interest, relationship, there is so many things that I haven't do yet, I am exhausted. It seems like my body can't take over anymore,it will shut down at any minutes.

THe Start of The New Sem

2009-10-26T01:03:00.000-07:00

At this sem, I have to work while studying. I have over spent last sem, now I don't have enough pocket money. I don't want to ask from my family. Don't wanna increase their burden and sadness anyway. Furthermore, I also need to attend chinese orchestra practice because I have to perform in week 2 and week 3. These 2 weeks I have been so tired, luckily I got 2 days to rest in a week.

Now is week 2, the performance is on this Friday, and yet, I just attended one practice only, other time, I was working. Working, studying, practising for performance and wushu practice, I have to give up two of them so that I won't be so tired. I don't even have time for my darling. His kidney got problem, all I can do is stay besides him and give any help he wants, I feel so useless, can't do anything else for him. Why the God always give all these tests to me? Maybe He wants me to know more about concerning others, especially those who are close to me. May be He wants me to learn how to appreciate with what I have.

Lastly,may God bless my darling to be free from any diseases and stay healthy forever. I don't wanna lose him...for sure.

Days Without You (Part 2-end)

2009-10-26T00:46:00.000-07:00

Day 7
This is the day where I usually went to my Grandma's house. Today is Moon Cake Festival. So, Mum brings us to grandma there for dinner, even my aunt and uncle come back from KL. Although I am happy to see them, I don't feel like I want to be with them all the time. I just wanna stay alone and rest. Miss you badly, as usual. At night, I have a phone talk with you, but we end it unhappily due to some misunderstanding.

Day 14
For the whole week, we had a bad conversation. I cried every night after you hang the phone. At that moment, I realized how weak am I in a relationship. Need your hug so much every night before sleep. I always think nonsense when I was alone or even before sleep.

Day 15
Finally I come back to Kampar. This is the place where I can be myself, a true me. No family in my life here, no baby's crying. All I have here is me and my darling. Here belongs to me. I start to work as I come back. This is the 1st working day for me at khakabo. Although the salary is quite low, but I am happy with it because I like the working environment there especially employees there, the only bad thing is I have to face that LCLY face, bastard han wei. At night, I go my darling's room to sleep. Thanks God that I am too tired that I can sleep tight tonight.

Day 18
This is the 4th day I work at khakabo. It seems like that bastard knows my working hour because I will be seeing him every time my working hour. Oh well, luckily my darling is coming back today, after this, I don't have to worry about anything.

Days without you (Part 1)

2009-09-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

Day 1
Today is the first day without you. I do everything by myself, do everything for my family, take care of my family, help my family. All I can do for you is to send short message to you and wait for your call at night. I never wait for my bf's call at night for long time. This is the first night we on the phone, keep on telling each other how much we miss each other, but not much topics. I even fall asleep when you are telling your story.

Day 2
Second day without you, I start to miss you badly. I never miss someone like you before. I have a nice moment with my cousins. I play candle with them and they are so happy with the lighted tree I made for them. I do the same thing, I waited for your call the whole day. Finally, you have called me. This time, we have a better chat. I enjoy the moment with you.

Day 3
This day, I miss you even more. On the other hand, I have a happy moment with my baby cousin. Although he is quite naughty, but I happy to take care of him. I feel tired taking care of him but it is worth to see his smile, a smile from an angel. As usual, I am waiting for your call. And, you call, and this time, I have become the most happiest girl in the world. We plan our future together, solve each other's problem, cheer for each other.

Day 4
I go back kampar today to settle my pets. I send them to pet shop at the cost of RM6 per day. I plan to collect them 2 weeks later. Then, I manage to get a job from Khakabo. At least, I have an income and saving for my next sem and I don't have to ask money from my family. As usual, I am waiting for your call, but this time, I phone to you. This time, you make me heart broken for not being remember my birthday. To you, it is hard for you to remember a person's birthday, but at least, you have to remember mine's. Anyway, it is a past. At night, you just hang the phone and yet, you blame me for hanging your call. This even hurts me more. I have a sleepness night. This is the first sleepness night in this sem break.

Darling

2009-09-24T15:20:00.001-07:00

Darling, I know you are lonely too. For once, you also live in your own world too. You need to be care of, you need attention from your beloved one, and yet, I can't do what you need and sometimes I even don't realize it. Please don't ever blame yourself again even though it is not your fault. All the problems come from me, I am the cause of all these. When I am with you, you just do your stuff and leave me there by myself, makes me feel lonely, so I rather hang out with sharon than stay at home. I have told you before, I don't like to stay in the house. why? So that I will not think too much. I have chose to forget everything happen in my life because to me, there is too many burdens and I want to throw them away, I don't want to remember everything. What I want is the same as what you want, someone that loves us, only us. But, why I will feel lonely even though when I was being with you? I don't know. I try to care you more but it makes me feel I am fake. Everything I just let it be. To you, I not mature enough. To me, I don't want to think stuff in a mature way. You can say that I am childish, but to me, it is the best way to relax myself. As you said, I haven't see the world, all I went through is just looking at the surface and think as it should be like that.

Unmemorable week

2009-09-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

This week is my exam week, whereby it is a week that I don't wanna go through again. I have a sleepness week and many things happened on me and I can't take it over on my shoulder. Final exam will comes to its end this saturday and I will go back to my home. Hopefully I can enjoy my sleeping moment at home.

Why I say this is a unmemorable week for me? Because I am truely lost myself in my life journey. Or, I shall say, I have locked myself in my world. In fact, I have locked myself for 1 year. Since past 3 months, there is someone that is trying to open my world and let me out of there but he failed. And yet, he keeps on trying, hope that I will open my world to him one day.

Darling, I feel so sorry for what I have said and what I have done on you that makes your heart broken. I really didn't mean to hurt you, maybe you are right, to me, friends are more important than you, but what I want to say is you are important to me, too. I know, it is my fault to tose you aside when friends call me, but do you know why? I am lonely.

Suffer Night

2009-09-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight, is my 2nd sleepness night in the week. Why? I not sure and I don't know the reason. After I heard what Daniel said, I totally felt the pain from the bottom of my heart. Finally I know why he always want me to stay with him all the time and cares him more than anyone else, and yet, I knew I can't do all this. I feel shame of myself for not being a nice girlfriend and play my role as a girl. Here is the story...

Its a story between Daniel and his ex-girlfriend, Paula. 2 years ago, they were couple. At that time, Daniel didn't really appreciate what she did for him. Paula is a very nice girl friend. She will fetch him after class and accompany him for the rest of the day. Everyday, she wakes up early to cook breakfast for him. What she did is just for him. What a nice girl.........

Unfortunately, they always quarrel with each other because of the difference value between themselves. Due to this, Daniel has asked to break the relationship. So, this relationship has came to its end after 2 years. Since that, Paula has a hard moment because she can't take the reality that he has asked to break relationship with her. Poor Paula...

When daniel thinks back, he starts to regret with his stupid decision. He loves her so much, but he has to put her down because of this stupid, fucking reason. Until now. he still can't face Paula. He wants to apologize to her but he doesn't dare to do so. He so desperate to say sorry to her.

Hopefully Daniel will make his decision whether he wants to go kl, have a visit to her and say:"I'm sorry." At least this will makes him feel better than never. Daniel, no matter what is your decision, I just wanna let u know that I want u to be happy for who you are, be cheerish all the time, be proud of who you are being, be brave to face any difficulties. I know you will not let me down, right? Love you forever.

Suffer From Sleepness Night

2009-09-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

tonight, i am having a sleepness night.....again....y? i oso duno.

yesterday i started sit for my 1st exam paper for this sem, is my favourite subject actually, but i din put much afford on it, so it seemed i ll get a bad result this sem. i guess i may have to repeat it on next year, i hope not.

at night time, i can't slept, so i read messages on the phone. i realized i have alot of misunderstood of my bf. he is just need to be cared of, but i can't even care him for real, as in a bf way. in fact, i treat my best friend better than bf. now i know what he wants, he just wants to spend more time with me, wants more care from me, wants my full attention, and yet, i dun even know about all these stuffs. mayb this is what should a gf does, and it shows i not a good gf. all this years, i have been alone, and now, when i found someone i loved, i just want to be cared of, and yet, i duno how to care about him. mayb the way that i show my care to him is not clear for him, or i reali duno how to show and tell him that i do care him more than anyone. my bad, i think.

sometimes, i ask myself, y i always think of these stupid and negative stuffs? it is meaningness. is it because i am a girl, so i will think of these without my notice? God knows.

Sleepness night

2009-08-31T15:01:00.000-07:00

Here we go again.....I have a sleepness night, again, this is the second time in the week, What the hell is going on with me??? Damn tired now, but I still managed to post 2 blogs here, sucks...I hv drank some alcohol, I should be in my dreamland now, why am I still sitting in front of my laptop? No mood to do anything, no mood to say anything, just wanna get something to do and sleep for the rest of the day. I still need go for drum practice this evening, dont know whether my body can take it over or not. There is 4 days more before the performance, I started feel nervous since last week. I keep on thinking how should we perform the drum so that it will be the best performance of the day. There is another thing playing in my mind, what kind of hair style should I take? I am planning to have a hair cutting later but I can't figure out what hair style that suits me the best. Oh well...I guess I have to refer to my hair stylist later, haha...
Good night and sweet dreams ^.^

Answers for the questions

2009-08-31T14:06:00.000-07:00

Last week, i went through a tough time wif my relationship. It seems like there is problems occured but I just can't figured it out, at the end, i ended up so stupid. What am I to you? Who are you to me? Is this important? Why you feel you're not my boyfriend? Is friend more important than you do? There is so many questions to answer and yet, I am helpness when I am facing these stupid questions.To me,these questions are dump ass...to you, they might be important.

First of all, You, Daniel, is my beloved one. I am sure you know it but you just can't feel it just because of my personality. I have done many things just to make you happy. I cooked for you just to see your happy smile, in fact, it made me feel happy and satisfy at the moment you finish the dishes. This is the first time I can feel the happiness from my cooking. You have proved that I can do it although I don't like to cook. This has showed how much do I care about you.

In my opinion, friends are more important than couple. You may wonder why is it so. I'll tell you what. I gain safety and self-satisfaction by caring my best friend and people around me. I lack of protection since I was a child. Whenever there is something bad happened, friends always the one that help me solve them. You may feel the way I treat friends is much more better than the way I treat you, I just can say:" Im SORRY my dear..."

Last Saturday night, we went to your best friend's party. When I saw the Poodle, I wanna play with it and yet, you have stopped me from continue playing with it just because it is dirty!!! You made me feel I am a little girl in the party and not your girl friend. You also knew that I can't mix well with other girls and yet, you still wanted me to join their conversation. I will look so stupid if I listen to you and join into their conversation. Can't you feel it? I wanna play ping pong with those guys, but I knew you might not happy with it so I didn't even dare to ask. I have to control myself for not being so rude in the party and even in front of you.

I have a bad conversation with my parents and other family members. I know they just care about me but I feel like I wanna run away from them. I hate family, especially when they concern about moral value and a lot of stuffs that they even can't realize it in life. For what they tell me all the bull shit since they can't even practice it? They always say that they love me, but is it love when a mother's duty is to cook and do all the housework for us and didn't even care about what plays in our mind? This has made up me of nowadays. I rather remain silence than voice out eveything. because everything I said never being bother by anyone in the family. What I think about family is its just a hotel for me to rest and get prepare for tomorrow. I dont even feel family's warm from my parent. This is why I rather be alone than couple. When I am alone, no one will betray me, no one will ignore me, no one will gonna hurt me either. It feels sucks when you have been hurted since you were young. This is why I am here by myself.........

My dog

2009-08-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

Few weeks ago, I had let go of my dog, Bibi. After that, I didn't c it at all, until my friend told me that he saw my dog was hanging around Grand Kampar Hotel. Soon, my boy friend and I went there to check it out. As we reached there, I saw it walked around with other dog. At the moment I saw it, I felt so sorry to it. I not a good master. This shouldn't done by a dog lover and I feel shame of myself that I am a dog lover. Let the dog hang around, take the risk that it may be shot by the dog hunter, can't get any food, being chased and bully by other dogs or human... I am so sorry, Bibi. I can't take good care of you and I am not a good master, I have been so selfish and I just let you go and yet, I didn't get you home. Will you blame me? I think you will, you might hate me as well, if you have the mind and can think as human does. If you meet with me in future, I hope you will forget that I am your master once before. I hate myself...

~Confuse~

2009-08-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

My dear "brother", since when you have learned all the bad things from your parent? Why do you always let us down? You have failed us. What do you expect from us? Now you are our friends, or enermy? You make me so confuse about our friendship. When I get to know you, you not that kind of person, now you betray our friendship because of your evil parent, how could you do this on us? We just try our best to help you, how could you betray us as easy as you like?

These days I had a thought in my mind, "what kind of changes happened on me? Is it make me a better person or make me becomes even worst?" I don't know about it, I feel I have became much more better, on the other hand, it makes me feel I am another person that I never known but I just don't know what is it. I can't stop thinking of it, I wanna know why and what has caused this changes on me. Is it because of the appearrance of Daniel? Maybe... Hopefully this changes can make my life to a better way.

Dear brother....this is what i gonna tell you now.

2009-08-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

It has been 3 months since i knew my dear "brother", I managed to get to know his characteristic but how well do i know about his background? How could i help this fellow without thinking twice? I only done this on him, I know this is crazy. Why am i doing this? There is a lot of people said that i have a mature mind but this time i have lost my mind. To me, i just doing the right thing. He is just a kid whom is running away from the problem, all i want is to help him to face the facts, in the end, i have behaved like his suck parent. This is the time where i should stop, I have done my best for him, now let him faces his fate. I believe everyone has his fate which arranged by God, He wants to test your response when faces life challenges so that He can rearrange your life on how well the life for you. Perhaps this is the time where the God is testing me up. He has arranged the appearanced of my "brother" in my life, which has helped me during my hard time, which want me to be his saver in his life. I learned not to trust others easily in the past, now I learned the boundary of help. By the way, he has a messy and cruel family, my best friend and I have helped him a lot in finance problem but we can't do anything on this, although she wants to help him. I have done my best for him, I have my own life to go with, so this is the time where I stop holding his hand and walk away from him. This is life my dear brother, you must go through it without anyone. You are born alone and you will leave alone, without any companianship, without money, without your body. Now, you are facing the problem by yourself, no one can help you, you have control on your own fate, your life. The only way to control your life is to be taugh, strong in either physically or mentally, think maturally, act like your age, and all the good characteristics that you can think of. Never try to get help from others, they may betray you in future. My advice is just a reference, it depends on you now my dear brother. Wish you all the best in future.

What is love?

2009-08-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

Wherever there is love, there will be someone gets hurt. I agree with this. Love is a strange feeling and believe that bring two different persons into a relationship. Love does not consider only two persons, but it also can be family and friends. We can say love to our family, our friends, not just our couple. They respect each other, love each other, do whatever they could just to see a wonderful smile from beloved. On the other hand, there might be someone is getting harm from this relationship, for example, dear brother, best friends, even your beloved may get hurt. There are many things that can't be predicted by human beings. No one will knows what might happen in the next moment, so what can we do now is to do whatever we can for our beloved ones, family, and friends. We may hurt people around us just because we love them, we may use the wrong way to show how much we care about them, normally tragedy will happen in this way. Children run away from home, husband kills wife, terrorists burn up the whole city, this are the cruel ways to show how much they love for their beloved family, couples and country. In the end, many people have sacrificed because of what they believed and loved. No matter what reason they are using, its just an excuse for their mistakes. If they really love for what they believe in, think twice before action.

My Days In The End of July

2009-07-31T06:06:00.000-07:00

30th July,was my birthday.I had a sweet day with my dear, brother, and best friend. They have prepared a surprise party for me, unfortunately i didn't have a chance to eat my birthday. Why? Because I have gave it to others before I can have a bite on it. Haha. Oh well...its a memorable night for me.
31st July, it should be a happy day for me, at the end, it ends up with a broken heart. I went to Ipoh with Daniel just to buy a birthday present for my brother. Although I don't know what to buy, but I have a nice moment with Daniel. He bought me roses as my birthday gift. After we went back Kampar, I went to my brother's room to get my clothes. I noticed he is not happy but I just don't know why. I left without asking much. After I had my shower, I logged on to my msn. When I saw his display mesage, I felt heart broken. He wrote there:"Every caring, to him, is just a fake! Whenever there is love, friendship will always been frgotten!! Is there every human being like this way? I wanna leave, here is a cruel place for me. I have over come the feel of being self-abased, but I fall down so soon. Whats the point of being rich? I still being alone!" My heart is broken as I rea this message, I just can't stop crying Why Everything I do is always not worthy? Each time I try to do my best for the one I care the most, it becomes not worthy. I always wonder why why why...why everything changes in a night time?? Doesn't he know how muych I care bout him and Daniel? I don't mean to have a preference for Daniel, or vice versa. I care both of you so much. Both of you are the most important part of my life, Do you know it?

I am who i am

2009-07-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

Everyone who knows me,they might think that i am a cool girl because i dont have much words to say and i seldom mix with others. I am a girl which is quite rude in attitute, act like a guy, not much girl's characteristics except physical development.I am a girl which like to be alone in my world, a world that fulfill with my dream. In fact,I like to make friends because i hate to be alone sometimes,but I just dont know how it gonna happen. I grown in a traditional family,where my dad is working outside and mum is a housewife who always take care of us.Maybe because of her,I have learned to be silient all the time so that i wont make mistake because my mum gt bad temper,in fact, i gt a bad temper too. This might be my way to protect myself from being hurt by others. I hate my family...sometimes...I always feel like I wanna run away from that home,it just make me feels that is a hotel more than a home. Mum never talk to us,whenever my sister and I have problems, usually we will solve by ourself by discussing with each other. Everything happend at home makes me feel uncomfortable.When I tell u about my family, you might have thought that isnt a big deal, but for me,it is. Every incident happend has affected my mind,makes me feel even more unfamiliar with my family member. I can see alot of characteristics of my family members which cant be seen during childhood. I can see and understand every changes happened on my every beloved one, my grandpa, my cousin, all source of things that makes me think deeply.I know how much lucky am I in the world when compared to others, but I still feel unsafe in the family,because there is the place where I learned not to trust people so easily.
After I started my uni life,it seems everything is fine for me, but I have met all kinds of human being, and I learned how to look at people with a clear and open heart.Maybe I am the one who has changed,I started to run away from this world.I started day dreaming,gaming, just to forget who am I at that moment. Luckily, there was best friends who always be with me whenever i nid them.Thanks to them,I manage to turn my way back to where I belongs.
As I have went through these events, I learned, do your part is not enough, but never do things that is out of your ability,you will never be appreciated. I have a more mature mind but I dont show it. I keep all my words in my heart because I know I will get mistake as I talk more. I just want a simple life. This uni life is not the life style that I always wanted. I love Music, especially chinese traditional music, but my family doesnt let me do the course just because of its low valueble in m'sia. I hate study because I was forced to do so. Anyway. I have to end up with what I have started. Who knows what might happen in the future? Maybe I will get rich someday by doing business, hahaha. I hope so. =p

2009-07-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

7月27日
A whole New mE
There was a time when i was having a terrible life time in my whole life. I just don't know how to over come the problem. It seems like the world is pointing its fingers on me,everything is going the wrong way. I was lost for a period of time,but thank God, I have two best friedns that helped me alot during this period, thanks you guys. Oh well, evverything started to move smooth for me as i moved out from the shop lot, thats a good start for me. A whole new place for a whole new me, heres I start my whole new life.
After i move into the new hostel, everything here is not familiar with me, at least i got nice housemates. Haha...I start to put in my effort in my study,although it is not enough to cover what I have missed. Since the day I move in, I met a guy. I knew he interested with me since the first sight. Girls always have great sense about others' mind, they just don't wanna let others know what play in their mind. In these two weeks, I spent most of my time with him and I found out that he is a nice guy to be with but I don't dare to accept him at first. I know I not a good lover, I have hurted everyone before him, causes me do not dare to accept him so easily. And yet, he succefully convinced me by take good care of me. He may not be handsome, but he is a nice guy and I feel like I wanna be with him to give him protection and supportation that he needs.
Daniel, this is what can I do for you. I love u.